Why I Suck As A Mom

One of my downfalls as a mom is I do not think before I speak sometimes. I often shoot straight from the hip then have to go back and apologize for hurt feelings later. You know how parents are supposed to be supportive, kind, encouraging? Well that's not me. I am encouraging but I often do not think before I speak. I sometimes forget that I am dealing with little people. 

A couple examples that come to mind is a week or so ago when I wasn't feeling too hot my kids thought they'd surprise me by rearranging my living and dining rooms. Well a proper mom would have come home and raved about all the hard work and the beauty of the new decor whether she liked it or not. Me? I enter....they say "surprise!" I stare in horror. They say "do you like it mom?" I say truthfully "no, not really. I liked it the way I had it". Their faces fall and their hearts are broken. The damage is done. I still somehow cannot help myself but to say "I do not like the couch here because.....and the table should be turned this way....etc etc." Only when I finish and they are unusually quiet do I realize that I have hurt their feelings. And that the better approach would have been to say excitedly "I Love it! Thank You!" 

Another example is report card time. Marlon returned home with less than desirable grades. We were discussing his D's and his take was, and I quote "a D is passing." I hate when my kids say that! I have told them if they try their best and get a D then a D is fine but if they skimp by and end with a D then that is not okay. I knew that he had not worked his hardest and I was trying to explain my problem with the D. I did try the "you are so much smarter than a D, and you can do it approach!" first but that was getting me nowhere He kept saying "well a D is passing." I got irritated and told him "no a D is for Dumb, Dummy, Deadbeat, Didn't do shit all quarter!" and a few other D examples I could think of.  Yes, I know that is completely  inappropriate. But I was so aggravated and disappointed. (another D word)  I have a really hard time saying things that I really don't believe. I just always prefer to be straight up but I know with kids you gotta pretend sometimes. I just really struggle with that.

My latest failure was this Christmas. Mason who is 9 and makes about $10 a month in allowance because he's kinda lazy,(see I did it again) went Christmas shopping with dad and returned home so excited he could barely contain himself. On Christmas morning he could barely open his stuff because he simply could not wait for me to open my gift from him. When it was my turn to open it I really put on, (we were filming) how much I loved it. It was a watch. A watch that was of the brightest teal color with gold trim and teal diamonds. 

Yes, it's beautiful but rather bright and large huh?

The watch is huge, does not latch on, is more of a bracelet style and I, not being a big fan of accessories, thought it was so not me. No problem I'll put on that I love it, wear it around him a time or two and then all will be harmonious. Mason wanted me to wear it Christmas day. Problem is I am a silver kinda girl. Most of my rings are platinum or silver and very modest. My Christmas outfit was grey with silver trim so a gold and teal watch would've stuck out like a sore wrist. I explained to Mason that it didn't go with my outfit and I would wear it some other time. The RA watched this conversation in horror. He then pulled me aside and said "Really? You are not gonna wear his watch today?" I explained to him the fashion side of it and he felt the "mother side" should outweigh the fashion side. I knew he was right but I just did not want this gawdy huge watch sticking out on my arm all day. So I didn't wear it. Later that night Mason came and asked me if I liked the watch. I said "Oh, I love it!" "Why won't you wear it then?" He asked skeptically. "Oh, I will when I have something to go with it." "Whatever" he replied. He  put his head down and walked away. I knew I had hurt him. So I immediately put it on and made a point for him to notice. He was not impressed. When I pointed out how much I loved my new watch. He said "it doesn't matter now everyone's gone and no one will see it but me and you." I felt horrible. Horrible. What the hell is wrong with you? I said to myself. Where is your motherly empathy? It bothered me for days.

So today I am wearing the watch. It is huge, heavy, and since it is a bracelet style its slides all over my arm Uncomfortable! He saw me with it on and smiled the biggest smile I've seen in a  while but truthfully I could not wait to get to work to take it off. I am a bad mom. The worse kind. I really have to work on being more sensitive to my kids feelings. I really had no big resolutions for the new year but I think I will make this my goal. I truly know better. I just can't stop myself sometimes. What is your biggest downfall as a parent? Please, come on make me feel better.

Overly Sensitive?

So dance class this past week was ummm.... I dunno how to describe it. Let's see the 90201 biznitches from last week were not in such high numbers in the parent area. Actually attendance was really low. It was the Aplha-Mom (AM), The nappy-headed-commenter-mom (NHCM) and me. The other parents were in a another room watching a movie with their older kids. NHCM  actually smiled and said hello to me. Huh? Her smile seemed genuine and her voice was not condescending at all. AM was still unfriendly but didn't throw her power around as much because the rest of her cronies were not there I guess. She still turned her nose up a bit and dominated NHCM in the parent area but she was more low key.

She did brag a lot however about how she has given her neighbors and friends so much clothes that every time she sees the kids they are wearing her clothes. Annoying. Also she was bragging speaking about the upcoming vacation her and her hubby will be taking to the Greenbrier in West Virginia...from what she says "it is a place where kings and queens stay." Okay, once again if you got it going on like the royal family... why not pay for your kids to dance at the real dance studio down the street? Anyways, I put my bitch face on and my extra rings just in case I had to punch someone in the face. for show.


At then end of class I returned to pick up MJ and she was not happy and immediately declared she was ready to go home. At that point the dance teacher came over and asked me if MJ was feeling okay. She said that she had noticed she just wasn't feeling this Friday class. Hell, neither am I, I thought. The teacher then told me that on Tuesdays MJ was "the one to watch and showed real dance talent and love for the dance." But since switching she seems completely uninterested. She suggested we try a more advanced class next Friday. A class for 4 year olds. She seems to think that MJ could handle it.

Great. Right? Well I'm not so sure. Remember the discussion that took place in this post where the AM stated that she would secure all her groups spots for the next class? And also remember my feeling that regular moms were being pushed out? Well now I'm not sure if the teacher is truly amazed at MJs dance ability and wants to advance her or if she has been pressured to push us out of the class by the Meanie Moms? I have my suspicions. This 10:15 class is most inconvenient for me as it is a ballet/tap combo and requires a hefty investment in dance gear and  requires me to take a half day off work instead of coming in 2 hours late. But I plan on giving the teacher the benefit of the doubt and giving it a try, in the hopes that she as the teacher knows whats best.

Since you all have an outside view, tell me is this a tactic to push us out of this class or does the teacher see real ability in MJ? Am I seeing way too  much into this? I do have that ability. I tend to get very defensive when it comes to my kids. I just think it's odd that now that she's not doing well she wants to advance her. I asked her about this and she said she wanted to see the old MJ back and thought maybe a more challenging class would do it. She also said that if she did not like the advanced class that maybe "it just wasn't her time yet?" Seriously. I could not tell if she was sincerely complimenting MJ or pushing her out.  Another  possibility that is unlikely is that the teacher has read my facebook page where I posted about this Meanie Moms and is trying to be helpful. The teacher is always very nice to MJ and seems to like her but I just don't know. What do you think?