Falling Way Down....Part 7

It's 2007. I'm preggos and unemployed...perfect because really when you are pregnant you don't feel like doing ish and I did not have to. Life was good. Best part is my older boys had mentoring on Wednesdays after school so Mason and I had to kill 90 minutes each week and we killed it by eating at Red Lobster. Fun Times!! 
David, being the only one working, took over all the major bills and my funds went to preparing for the new baby, well that and Red Lobster. For the first and last time in my life I let go of all my responsibilities and handed it all over to David to handle. Big Mistake! I noticed slowly but surely things were getting further and further behind. By the time I figured it all out we were months behind in rent and other bills. This became a source of hostility at home. David had the approach that "everything will work out" my approach was quite different. My unemployment ended and things went from bad to worse. Lucky for me I had an awesome paying record for 7 years with my property owners so they allowed me to pay what I could when I could. But the stress of the mounting debt was horrible. That and the fact that if they should so choose at any minute we could get evicted. I have never been in that situation ever! Every time I would see them I would think "oh no, they are coming to evict me."  The part that I think drove me the most insane was I would lie awake at night stressing, but David really did not seem all that concerned. When we would discuss it he would say crap like "you are a worrier, No need to stress about it, that won't help." I became bitter and vengeful. I was having a baby any minute and there was not a whole lot I could do to rectify things.  In June 2007 I had my princess. The little girl I had always wanted.
She had some colicky issues in the early months so combine that with the money issues we were having and the turmoil between David and I and it was a bad time. I would sit on the porch at night and stare out into the rain and dream of just running away. I wanted to give up, start over, anything but be here now. I could feel postpartum depression chasing me down.  I had had some difficult times before but I knew this time I felt different, this time I wasn't sure I could rise above this and turn it all around. I was regretful for having another kid when times were so bad. I felt bad for my other kids because although I was there meeting all their psychical needs; between the colicky newborn and the financial woes, I was emotionally unavailable. I was like a robot going through all the motions but never feeling much. I am not close to my family so I could not turn there for help and I had long since alienated myself from my friends so I could not go there for support. I had nowhere to turn. Our quality of life had went from sugar to shit right before my eyes. The change was so drastic that I thought I was imagining it all. When it got really bad I headed down to our county welfare office.
 I lined up with the rest of society's rejects at 630am with a month old baby in tow. The office only helped 10 people per day. I waited all day from 630a to 6pm. I met with daycare people, food stamp workers, Medicaid, anyone and everyone I could. It was humiliating and degrading. I was shameful. I had taken care of myself since I was thirteen only to turn 30 and be begging for hand outs. I saw person after person go in the back and come out happy and relaxed for they would be getting the help they needed. That held me all those hours while I waited with a fussy baby in the busy waiting area. When my turn came they assessed my situation and said to me "you are too far behind for us to help, you should have come for help months ago" the intake worker told me. I explained that I thought I could turn things around on my own but now realized I could not and I need some temporary help. They referred me to our local food bank and put me on an emergency list for daycare. I busted into tears in the middle of the lobby and made a spectacle of myself. I wanted to lie down on the dirty floor and act a fool in the hope that someone would come take me away. Even a mental institution would have been a welcome change in that moment. 
As I cried in the lobby a lady came out to talk to me. She gave me some forms to fill out asap apparently there was some secret program and I had to have all the paperwork turned in now. So I went to the front desk to ask for a pencil the lady there said "we are closed".  And I lost it again. At that point security came and asked me to leave. Which I did. I drove home got into my bed and slept and cried. How the hell was I  supposed to take care of all these kids?   I cursed myself for having 4 kids. I felt like a real loser for the first time in my life. I stayed in that mode for two days. On the third day I awoke all cried out. As I looked at the little girl I had always wanted lying beside me something in me snapped. I loaded her into her carrier and headed down to our local food bank. That day was the second most humiliating day of my life. Each step  I took that day and every day after my hate for David grew and grew. He was a man dammit! Why didn't he fix this! When I tried to speak to him about things he would say that I was  overreacting and everyone had hard times I just needed to take one day at a time. I hate sayings like that! I realized at that time that although I had a man in my life I was alone.

A Lil Something For The Ladies

Women are like the apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

The boys don't want to reach or climb for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead they choose the rotten apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy.

So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when in reality they are amazing.

They have to wait for the right guy to come along.

The one who is brave enough to climb to the the top of the tree.

So to all you amazing apples out there, hang in there!

Sorry Teachers, But this Homework is Outta Control

Teachers, Teachers, come on! What are you trying to do to me? Enough with all this silly homework already!. Do the kids really need hours of homework each night? Many kids don't get home til 5 or 6pm and go to bed around 8p. They have to eat, bathe, do chores, and don't forget maybe play for a few minutes outdoors, god forbid they have an extracurricular activity. Squeeze in 2 hours or more of homework each night and jeez!

I am all about some education and studying but lately our homework load is ridiculous. The most ridiculous part is homework only counts as less than 10% of the final grade in most upper classes and the kids know it. So how do I stress the importance of doing all this homework if this is the case? When they are that exhausted from all day at school and then hours of homework  are they really learning or are they just trying to get it done? If homework is that important I say make it 45% of the grade at least 30%! 

The worst part about it is my kids are no geniuses, (sorry kids) and they need my help. I am often stressing to my kids that "mother knows best" or that "I already completed school" so when I sit down to help them and don't know the answers myself I look really dumb. Come on! You're killing my credibility here. Here are some examples. My son is in ninth grade, these are passages from Romeo and Juliet that he had to translate. 

Where be these enemies? Capulet! Montague!

See, what a scourge is laid upon your hate,

That heaven finds means to kill your joys with love!

And I, for winking at your discords too,

Have lost a brace of kinsmen: all are punish'd.

For naught so vile that on the earth doth live

But to the earth some special good doth give;

Nor aught so good but, strain'd from that fair use,

Revolts from true birth, stumbling on the abuse:

Virtue itself turns vice, being misapplied;

And vice sometimes by action dignified

Here's my first problem with that. Why is that necessary? Sure if you are going into a field where literature is important. But, for the layman what is the point? No one talks like that and I'm sure they never will again. So why waste valuable hours of education on this? I have polled many teenagers they 100% hate it and even after they spend weeks working on it still don't get the importance of it. Why can't Shakespeare evolve?  If the story is so important why not have one person update it and then the kids study that? Uggh. And before any literary lovers come at me let me stress that I LOVE reading, read to my kids lots, and read myself often, but come on!

Now seriously wouldn't the children's time be better served learning real life stuff? Like how to balance an account? Home ownership? How to cook on a budget? Or do home repairs? How to interview well? Or how to speak properly to adults instead of the  "ummhmmm" most of us get from our teens? What about networking lessons and technology? I mean seriously even Math seems like a waste since there are  machines that do math for us and don't forget they are a requirement in High School. Why do I have to pay $100 or more dollars for a calculator if my son has to do it without one? Don't we just need to know the basics here?

Now onto vocabulary, I love words but my fourth grader? Not so much. And this vocab list doesn't  help.

fusillade

piquancy

avarice

Does he really need those words right now? He knows them but can't make his bed properly, or stay organized or put pants in the drawer marked pants opposed to the underwear drawer. I am all for education but I really think it is outta control.

Our school board is proposing changing our  school hours for a couple reasons. One is to make bussing schedules run more smoothly. Another is to add more time to the school day. The elementary kids would have to stay til 4pm!

Middle til 3:15

High School til 3:15

I would agree to this if there was no homework but lets not forget these are kids and kids need time to just be kids. This school thing is outta control. I'm gonna put a post together about all my complaints with our local school system soon but this one couldn't wait.

Am I being unreasonable here? Anyone else having this issue? 

Having the Upper Hand...Part 6

Although I liked, no, I loved my new drama free life I could see it was hurting David. He began to spend a lot more time at my house. He would come by to see the kids or fix things. Funny how when you put a guy out they are much more helpful. Eventually I gave him a key so he could  let himself in and out. Then one day I came home from work and he had just moved all his crap back into my home. Let's be honest. After my initial frustration at the nerve of him! I was a bit flattered that he was "fighting" for me. This was new. I had always felt like his last priority and to see him just walk away from his single life, own place, and all his freedom because he hated spending nights away from us "his family" made me reevaluate things.
This time was different though, I knew I had the upper hand. So I took complete advantage.This time I would stand my ground a bit. I told David that I liked my new freedom, and quite honestly was tired of always just jumping right back into things whenever he decided he was ready again. So, while he could stay if he liked, I would continue to date my suitor. If he didn't like it then he could go. He accepted those terms and stayed?? So that's just what I did. Except now it was even better because I had an in house babysitter when I wanted to go out. I was living the best of both worlds. I could go out and date and be treated like a lady  and then when I came home I still had this great family life. And of course David was going out of his way to prove his love so he was a cooking, fixing, time spending, romantic in-house-benefit. I relished it all!
Problem is I had a conscience and every time I would come home and see the sadness on David's face or see that he had prepared a lovely dinner for me although, I had just been out to eat, I felt really bad. After all I did love him. And although I wanted him to suffer for once, living with the pain in his eyes was hard for me. So I went with my heart and ended things with my new guy. As always it went really good for a long time. Suzy was still with same guy, shockingly. We even spent some holidays, birthdays, and attended the kids soccer games with Suzy and her new man, all cordially and pleasant. It seemed we had this thing finally figured out. 
Then my big time job sold to another company and I went to work at my bosses new construction company as a project manager. I knew nothing about construction but it was easy to tell that the company was doing some underhanded crap. Our paychecks began bouncing and I counted on David more and more to support the family. It went okay for a while. My pay was becoming increasingly sporadic and eventually the company went under and I became unemployed. I had worked almost daily since I was 13, I even had my own apartment and was emancipated at 14 so I prided myself at being a provider for myself and my family. Being unemployed was a scary new territory for me. At first I did not fret. I had awesome credentials and a great work ethic so I was sure I would secure work quickly. I was wrong. Due to the absence of a college degree I was undesired by any workforce comparable to what I had been doing. That's when I first began to understand the saying "its not what you know but what you know."
I filed for unemployment for first time in my life. I was amazed to find that once I subtracted the costs of daycare and travel expenses I was bringing in pretty much the same amount as when I was working. It was a good time because I could drive my kids to school, pick them up, volunteer at their schools more and do things I had never been able to do before like be there with warm cookies and milk after school. Plus I had tons of free time. Hence, all that free time, I became pregnant, again. This changed the whole game.


If you wondered how we got here you can go back..
Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

Just Another Day to Complain About

It all started when I split my pants on the way  to work you can read bout that here if you'd like. Then at work my coworker who was supposed to be 15 minutes late was two hours and 15 minutes late, did not call and did not answer my many calls to her. So I was left to deal with all the lil pumpkins by myself. Which was fine except when I had to pee. My regular readers will know that is about every ten minutes or so.  I also had two autistic kids under my care and one of them who is normally fine decided he wanted something and I had no clue what it was. Since he could not communicate with me he decided to take his frustrations out  by kicking my ass, literally. I tried and tried to solve the mystery. I ran around the center trying everything I could think of but his many kicks to my shins and stamping on my foot and a few strong punches told me I was way off. I took my beat down like a woman and just  tried to calm him down which pissed him off worse. Eventually I let him be and he calmed down on his own. Now this would have been a bit more manageable had I had help but anyways...
I make it through the work day and I'm off to take Marlon in to get a cavity filled. Our appointment was 3pm. The plan was an hour at the dentist then that gave me an hour to pay bills/run errands before I had to pick up the littler kids. Well that plan was shot  to hell when at 4pm we were still waiting. They finally called Marlon back and I asked if I could leave him there and come back? Ghetto mom, I know. Seriously who leaves their kids at the dentist alone? I do that's who. I had ish to do and the dentist running late killed my time management plan. The receptionist said it would be fine if I left him as long as I was back when he was done. Although she was looking at me like "who the hell leaves their kids alone at the dentist?" She told em he would be done in an hour, then she said well maybe 30 minutes. I figured 45 minutes and headed off.
I went by my town hall to pay the water bill that is when I discovered I did not have the bill that had the account number which is required for the payment. I called my other son and had him read it to me. Problem as I had no pen. No pen. Not in my car, glove compartment, my purse, Nope no pen in sight. Frustrated at the waste of time I headed over to pick up some supplies that the boys needed for school. The store I stopped at did not carry binders? Uggh . I checked my watch 20 minutes to spare. I looked across the parking lot and saw the tanning salon. Hmmm I thought after the day I've had a 15 minute nap in the sun sounded great. Even if the son was electric. I raced over there and was excited that I finally had a piece of happy in my day. I enter the booth undressed slathered on my tanning lotion and hopped into the the bed. Ahhhh.
Then the phone rang, It was the dentist office, Shit! I answer and the lady says "your son has been waiting for 10 minutes already." "I'll be right there" I say, embarrassed. I jump out of the bed throw my clothes on and race over. The front desk staff are looking at me as If I've been somewhere smoking meth.
I hung my head in shame as my teen scolded me. "Mom where were you? I have been waiting ten minutes!  This is so embarrassing!" I pick up the other rascals and run a few errands then we head home. It's after 6pm and dinner must get started. That morning I had taken a bag of meat out of the freezer to thaw. Unsure of what the meat was at the time I figured I'd make do either way. Well friends that bag had thawed out and it was deer meat. I do not do deer meat! So now there was no dinner to cook. Awesome. I throw the deer meat out mad because I had asked David to always label the deer meat. We had frozen dinner in a bag, yum! The kids love it so it, was all well. And that will conclude my bitching about yesterday.

Moving On.....Part 5

Wanna know what happened prior to this? You can just click the links below.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

As the months went by. Things went from bad to worse. David's kids were not being cared for and when they visited they would  tell stories that confirmed things were bad. We talked about it, I was horrified to go from 3 kids to 5  all  under the age of 4, but I cared for his kids and did not want to see them in danger. We offered Suzy to take the kids for a while until things got better. She refused. We debated about going to court but had neither the time nor money so David saved up some money and moved back home again to  secure a residence down there and get his kids.
Well apparently by that time the gparents had stepped in and David truthfully, was being unrealistic on how he was going to provide for them. The boyfriend and Suzy had split and supposedly Suzy was getting a better grasp on things. He stayed down there a couple months and then when things seemed back in order he returned. Life went on as usual and Suzy obtained yet another guy that she moved into her home. This one seemed to be decent, although he spoke no English. After a while Suzy and the new guy we'll call him Fabio got engaged. I noticed that Suzy and David's correspondence was picking up quite a bit. They seemed to talk more often and less about the kids. I wondered about that and truthfully did not like it but It was better than the discord that we had been dealing with previously. 
One evening I was going through our finances and came upon a receipt for Suzy's water bill. It had been paid by David. I checked the date and sure enough it was during a time I too needed him to assist with a bill. He did not have the money to pay the bill where we lived but he had paid Suzy's. Suzy was getting a lovely chunk of child support, government assistance, had a PT job and a man living with her that was working as well. I was livid. When I confronted him about it. I got the same ole same song and dance about how his kids lived there blah blah blah. I could not help but wonder if he'd forgotten we too had a son that lived with us? Not to mention my other kids. We stayed in a cold place about that water bill for quite some time. Then it was back to school time. My finances were short and I needed his help. He said he had to help Suzy get his kids school supplies! Although two of my children were not his I felt they should still have been a priority. It was clear they were not. When David headed off that weekend to take his kids shopping. I threw all his ish out and him too. I was done. Tired of being last place. I mean how long was this gonna go on? 
He decided that he would rent a place one town over from me. He did and I began a new life for myself. I had an awesome job and was quite happy being man-less.  A few months of being single and I had bought a new dryer and when it was being delivered I was pleased to find that the delivery guy was a guy I had crushed on in high school. He asked me out and I said yes. We began to date and it was wonderful.I had not "dated" in forever. It was so wonderful to be picked up and taken out an treated like a lady. He too had kids and had been divorced but I did not have to deal with any of that. It was so nice to spend time with a guy that seemed genuinely into me and did not spend the whole night talking about his kids or his ex wife. I truly enjoyed this time. David of course was trying to see me as well. He and I spent time together but life was so drama free without him. It was just wonderful! I had no man to clean up after, did not have to worry about weekend visitation schedules, or child support or baby mama drama. I was loving life. Amazingly I also realized I was an even better mother single. Without all the man aggravation I was happier and had more time for my kids. We all flourished in our new phase of life. 

Roc's Reflections- Denial can leave you exposed

Each morning I get 4 kids off in 4 directions and have to be to work by 7:50am. I open the facility and work alone most mornings so it is super important that I am there to do that prior to 8am. This morning I dropped off Mason and MJ at preschool hopped back into my van and..... rrriiiip? Naw, I thought, couldn't be. As I reached my hands down between my thighs I was alarmed to discover I had ripped my pants with my fat ass! Uggh!! 

As you can see this was no small tear.

No! This can't be I thought. I checked the time 7:37am. I have to be there in less than 15 minutes. Panic ensues. I call the owner, she lives cross the street and that is our emergency plan. This is an emergency right? She doesn't answer. No surprise there. I try her husband. He does not answer either. No way can I open a childcare center with my ass hanging out. So I run home grab some bigger pants quickly and jump back into my van. Rrriiiipp! Come on! Now my whole ass is hanging out. I race to the center and made it here by 8:01am. Not too bad huh? Problem is I must now get past my denial that I've gained a bit. I have to lose weight.