Friday, November 4, 2011

Dealing With A Drunk, Sooo 2010.

I tried to avoid it. But as I am catching up on my blog reading I notice EVERYONE did a Halloween Post. So In the interest of following the crowd, I will too. I attended a party with my coworker/friend, her husband and David. We decided to dress as a theme together. First bet was the cast of the Jersey Shore but then decided to be gangstas and flappers from the 50's. Here is what they look like. Just so ya know.

Here is how we did it...

Whatcha Think? 
My job was having a kids party so I took the lil ones there and we headed over to the adult party. Last year David drove so he was not allowed to drink at all. This year I had a designated driver so he could drink. I made it clear to him that this party is my night. I mean if you've been following me you know that David has had his share of fun nights out over the past couple years. Me, I never go anywhere kid free. So this is my one time a year to let loose and have a few. Here is the problem. David also felt the need to let loose. He drank and drank and drank. Aftershock, Vodka, Tequila, Beer, Wine. everything! In the beginning we were both having a few drinks but then one of us, Ahem. decided to really have good time. He was on his best behavior at the party. But literally within 20 minutes of our exit it all went to hell in a handbasket. There was a drinking game at the party see..... 
Drinking games are  basically a way to binge drink. I played too but I cheated like hell. I  pretended to take shots. tehehehehe See we had to pick our kids up and although we did not have to drive, someone had to be of the conscience and sober mind to get them settled to bed. And once I saw party boy downing shot after shot, I sadly realized that someone would be me. Luckily he held it together at the party but soon as we left all that alcohol must have registered because David was SUPER ANNOYING! When you are sober nothing is worse than a drunk. Oh good lord he went from telling me that "I was not his mother" Which by the way, I pretty much am.... to telling me how much he loved me and appreciated me. It was 30 minutes of bitching about me to 30 minutes of praising me. He even felt the need to rehash his apologies for his behavior while we were separated. We had already put that baby to bed in July. I did not need the drunk verison. Uggh. And he would not shut up! Hour after hour. The worst part is he felt the need to be very close while he poured out his drunken heart. Like right up in my face close. So close the alcohol burned my eyes. Eventually he passed out. But the next day my bedroom reeked of alcohol. I  had to strip the linens, Febreeze the curtains etc. So I had an alright time but it would be nice to be the careless one sometime and not have to babysit him. Maybe next year. On the upside I got some great FB pics. But have you ever had to babysit a drunk? Oh god it is so annoying! I was supposed to be the one all toasty and shit but....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just a lil Suspect.....

As I arrive home last Monday afternoon I notice Marlon (teenage son) is cutting the grass. Hmmm That's odd. Because A- he never cuts the grass and B- the grass had just been cut two days prior. I immediately roll down my window and ask "what are you doing?" He responds "cutting the grass." "Yeah, but why?" I ask. "Just wanna" he says. My mommy BS sensor is on high alert. I circle the driveway and as I pull into the other side to park I notice Michael (other teenage son) washing windows. Okay, something has definitely gone down. I ask him "why are you doing that?" He smiles and says because "we love you mom." Yeah. Something is definitely up. I remove my keys from the ignition and step out of my van. I approach him head on. "What did you guys do?" I ask. He has a look of guilt. "Nothing" he says. "Then why the hell are you guys out here doing yard work?" I ask suspiciously. "Oh we just wanna make the yard look nice." Bullshit. "Did you break something?" I ask "No" he says. "Did you get in trouble at school?" nope he replies. "Was someone in my house while I was at work?" "No Mom, we just wanna help you out." Hmmm I ain't buying it.
I unlock the door and step inside and my house is spotless. I mean don't get me wrong I got pretty decent kids and it is their responsibilty to have the house clean before I arrive home but this...well this is different. Floors have been mopped. laundry has been done. No something is definitely up. I search around to see what have they broken. I think immediatey of my newest prized possession, a wax burner. I run to the living room, expecting to see it smashed or something. Nope. It's not smashed. Oh I l know, they probably cracked it and glued it back together. We've all done that right? I pick it up and inspect it. Nope no wax burner damage. I go outside to drill the younger one. He always tells. I approach him. He is in a cold sweat cutting grass with such a passion. I signal for him to cut the mower off. He does. I hit him with all the questions I hit his brother with. He says "mom I can't talk right now, I gotta get this grass cut before it gets dark." And he cranks the mower and moves on, never quite making eye contact with me. 
Puzzled I go back into my house. I search everything, everywhere. I find nothing. I go back outside and get both boys and say "I know you did something and it must be bad, so spill it." The youngest looks at the oldest like Oh shit she knows. The oldest plays it cool. "God mom can't we just be helpful?" "Yes" I reply "helpful taking out the trash, straightening up, but this is not helpful this is suspect." So much work had been done. They would have had to have worked from the minute school let out until now to complete it all. I try a few more ways to get the info out. But they are not budging. I go back inside but watch them from the kitchen window as they have an impromptu meeting. I am assuming to get their story straight. They are breaking I think. The little one looks worried. The oldest, cool as a cucumber. As I prepare various torture treatments in an effort to get the info I so need, I keep a watchful eye on them. Still working. I get the water boarding materials together, hot sauce, check the cellar in which they will be locked until they confess and check my interrogator face in the mirror. And then out I go to do battle. These boys will not get away with whatever they have done. I am determined. 
I approach them again and I say "you know I know you did something and its bad." They just stare at me straight faced. "I know. I may not know what, but I will not rest until I find out." I warn them. I give them my scariest face. The little one looks at the big one like I'ma tell The oldest looks back at him like tell and die. I walk off and around the corner where I can sneak up on them on the other side and eavesdrop. Marlon says "dude she knows she knows." Panic is imminent in his voice. Michael replies "oh come on, that's just her way of tricking us. Stay strong man don't be a snitch. She doesn't know"  "No man I can tell she knows" Marlon is truly worried.  "She knows nothing!" Michael snaps at him "Now stick to the plan, and don't let her shake you up!" Oh so they have a plan? Ha well I have a plan too. I gotta get the lil one away from the big one so I can break him. Divide and Conquer. I ask Marlon  to pull the trash cans around. When he does I am waiting for him in the backyard. "Spill it kid!" I say. "I uh, oh, mom, Um. Okay." He stammers. Just then the oldest comes running around. He has figured out what I am up to! "Hey Marlon, come here dude I gotta show you something" "No! thats it!" I yell "Tell it!" "Promise you wont be mad?" Marlon asks. "Hell no I don't promise. Fess up!" "But I don't wanna get in trouble" he whines. He is clearly scared. "Oh it will be much worse if I hear about it somewhere by someone else. If you tell me it will be less severe." "Let's just tell her Michael" he says pleading with his brother. "Tell her what man?" the oldest says "there is nothing to tell!" I keep my eyes on Marlon, never breaking away, he can feel the pressure. "Okay! okay" he yells. "We skipped school!" BINGO!
Then silence. I say simply "okay" and turn and walk into the house. Not another word. They laid low for the next hour. Fast forward to dinner. "So are we in trouble?" asks Marlon? "Yup" I say. "But we worked hard all day isn't that punishment enough?" he asks. "Nope" I say. Well what is the punishment?" he asks. "Oh it will fit the crime" I say. "Are we getting a spanking?" (this is funny b/c Marlon has had two spankings in his lifetime)  Marlon informs me "Michael said if we got caught he would take double punishment because it was his idea." Michael pipes up "yeah if we got caught, not if you fold!" "Duh dumb boys did you not know that the school calls me when you are not there?" I remind them. "Yeah, but we were gonna try to ask to use your phone around that time and intercept the call" Marlon further confesses.
I grounded them for a week. Took away two weeks of allowance, and then I called the school and ratted them out. That last part I kept to myself. I waited two days to do it so that just when they thought they were clear BAMM! More punishment. Three days later they come home from school and both boys are pissed. Micheal says "Mom did you tell the school I skipped?" "Sure did" I say. "Why that was between us!" he says as if I owed him some alliance. "Oh because it is illegal to skip school not to mention immoral." I inform him. "Well you already punished us and now we are getting punished at school too!" "Good" I say and smile. The school informed me since they never made it to campus that day they actually could not do anything. But I used my clout with an administrator and he had the school resource officer show up and meet with him and the boys in his office to shake them up. 
And, for now at least, there will be no skipping for a while.