Friday, November 4, 2011

Dealing With A Drunk, Sooo 2010.

I tried to avoid it. But as I am catching up on my blog reading I notice EVERYONE did a Halloween Post. So In the interest of following the crowd, I will too. I attended a party with my coworker/friend, her husband and David. We decided to dress as a theme together. First bet was the cast of the Jersey Shore but then decided to be gangstas and flappers from the 50's. Here is what they look like. Just so ya know.

Here is how we did it...

Whatcha Think? 
My job was having a kids party so I took the lil ones there and we headed over to the adult party. Last year David drove so he was not allowed to drink at all. This year I had a designated driver so he could drink. I made it clear to him that this party is my night. I mean if you've been following me you know that David has had his share of fun nights out over the past couple years. Me, I never go anywhere kid free. So this is my one time a year to let loose and have a few. Here is the problem. David also felt the need to let loose. He drank and drank and drank. Aftershock, Vodka, Tequila, Beer, Wine. everything! In the beginning we were both having a few drinks but then one of us, Ahem. decided to really have good time. He was on his best behavior at the party. But literally within 20 minutes of our exit it all went to hell in a handbasket. There was a drinking game at the party see..... 
Drinking games are  basically a way to binge drink. I played too but I cheated like hell. I  pretended to take shots. tehehehehe See we had to pick our kids up and although we did not have to drive, someone had to be of the conscience and sober mind to get them settled to bed. And once I saw party boy downing shot after shot, I sadly realized that someone would be me. Luckily he held it together at the party but soon as we left all that alcohol must have registered because David was SUPER ANNOYING! When you are sober nothing is worse than a drunk. Oh good lord he went from telling me that "I was not his mother" Which by the way, I pretty much am.... to telling me how much he loved me and appreciated me. It was 30 minutes of bitching about me to 30 minutes of praising me. He even felt the need to rehash his apologies for his behavior while we were separated. We had already put that baby to bed in July. I did not need the drunk verison. Uggh. And he would not shut up! Hour after hour. The worst part is he felt the need to be very close while he poured out his drunken heart. Like right up in my face close. So close the alcohol burned my eyes. Eventually he passed out. But the next day my bedroom reeked of alcohol. I  had to strip the linens, Febreeze the curtains etc. So I had an alright time but it would be nice to be the careless one sometime and not have to babysit him. Maybe next year. On the upside I got some great FB pics. But have you ever had to babysit a drunk? Oh god it is so annoying! I was supposed to be the one all toasty and shit but....

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Just a lil Suspect.....

As I arrive home last Monday afternoon I notice Marlon (teenage son) is cutting the grass. Hmmm That's odd. Because A- he never cuts the grass and B- the grass had just been cut two days prior. I immediately roll down my window and ask "what are you doing?" He responds "cutting the grass." "Yeah, but why?" I ask. "Just wanna" he says. My mommy BS sensor is on high alert. I circle the driveway and as I pull into the other side to park I notice Michael (other teenage son) washing windows. Okay, something has definitely gone down. I ask him "why are you doing that?" He smiles and says because "we love you mom." Yeah. Something is definitely up. I remove my keys from the ignition and step out of my van. I approach him head on. "What did you guys do?" I ask. He has a look of guilt. "Nothing" he says. "Then why the hell are you guys out here doing yard work?" I ask suspiciously. "Oh we just wanna make the yard look nice." Bullshit. "Did you break something?" I ask "No" he says. "Did you get in trouble at school?" nope he replies. "Was someone in my house while I was at work?" "No Mom, we just wanna help you out." Hmmm I ain't buying it.
I unlock the door and step inside and my house is spotless. I mean don't get me wrong I got pretty decent kids and it is their responsibilty to have the house clean before I arrive home but this...well this is different. Floors have been mopped. laundry has been done. No something is definitely up. I search around to see what have they broken. I think immediatey of my newest prized possession, a wax burner. I run to the living room, expecting to see it smashed or something. Nope. It's not smashed. Oh I l know, they probably cracked it and glued it back together. We've all done that right? I pick it up and inspect it. Nope no wax burner damage. I go outside to drill the younger one. He always tells. I approach him. He is in a cold sweat cutting grass with such a passion. I signal for him to cut the mower off. He does. I hit him with all the questions I hit his brother with. He says "mom I can't talk right now, I gotta get this grass cut before it gets dark." And he cranks the mower and moves on, never quite making eye contact with me. 
Puzzled I go back into my house. I search everything, everywhere. I find nothing. I go back outside and get both boys and say "I know you did something and it must be bad, so spill it." The youngest looks at the oldest like Oh shit she knows. The oldest plays it cool. "God mom can't we just be helpful?" "Yes" I reply "helpful taking out the trash, straightening up, but this is not helpful this is suspect." So much work had been done. They would have had to have worked from the minute school let out until now to complete it all. I try a few more ways to get the info out. But they are not budging. I go back inside but watch them from the kitchen window as they have an impromptu meeting. I am assuming to get their story straight. They are breaking I think. The little one looks worried. The oldest, cool as a cucumber. As I prepare various torture treatments in an effort to get the info I so need, I keep a watchful eye on them. Still working. I get the water boarding materials together, hot sauce, check the cellar in which they will be locked until they confess and check my interrogator face in the mirror. And then out I go to do battle. These boys will not get away with whatever they have done. I am determined. 
I approach them again and I say "you know I know you did something and its bad." They just stare at me straight faced. "I know. I may not know what, but I will not rest until I find out." I warn them. I give them my scariest face. The little one looks at the big one like I'ma tell The oldest looks back at him like tell and die. I walk off and around the corner where I can sneak up on them on the other side and eavesdrop. Marlon says "dude she knows she knows." Panic is imminent in his voice. Michael replies "oh come on, that's just her way of tricking us. Stay strong man don't be a snitch. She doesn't know"  "No man I can tell she knows" Marlon is truly worried.  "She knows nothing!" Michael snaps at him "Now stick to the plan, and don't let her shake you up!" Oh so they have a plan? Ha well I have a plan too. I gotta get the lil one away from the big one so I can break him. Divide and Conquer. I ask Marlon  to pull the trash cans around. When he does I am waiting for him in the backyard. "Spill it kid!" I say. "I uh, oh, mom, Um. Okay." He stammers. Just then the oldest comes running around. He has figured out what I am up to! "Hey Marlon, come here dude I gotta show you something" "No! thats it!" I yell "Tell it!" "Promise you wont be mad?" Marlon asks. "Hell no I don't promise. Fess up!" "But I don't wanna get in trouble" he whines. He is clearly scared. "Oh it will be much worse if I hear about it somewhere by someone else. If you tell me it will be less severe." "Let's just tell her Michael" he says pleading with his brother. "Tell her what man?" the oldest says "there is nothing to tell!" I keep my eyes on Marlon, never breaking away, he can feel the pressure. "Okay! okay" he yells. "We skipped school!" BINGO!
Then silence. I say simply "okay" and turn and walk into the house. Not another word. They laid low for the next hour. Fast forward to dinner. "So are we in trouble?" asks Marlon? "Yup" I say. "But we worked hard all day isn't that punishment enough?" he asks. "Nope" I say. Well what is the punishment?" he asks. "Oh it will fit the crime" I say. "Are we getting a spanking?" (this is funny b/c Marlon has had two spankings in his lifetime)  Marlon informs me "Michael said if we got caught he would take double punishment because it was his idea." Michael pipes up "yeah if we got caught, not if you fold!" "Duh dumb boys did you not know that the school calls me when you are not there?" I remind them. "Yeah, but we were gonna try to ask to use your phone around that time and intercept the call" Marlon further confesses.
I grounded them for a week. Took away two weeks of allowance, and then I called the school and ratted them out. That last part I kept to myself. I waited two days to do it so that just when they thought they were clear BAMM! More punishment. Three days later they come home from school and both boys are pissed. Micheal says "Mom did you tell the school I skipped?" "Sure did" I say. "Why that was between us!" he says as if I owed him some alliance. "Oh because it is illegal to skip school not to mention immoral." I inform him. "Well you already punished us and now we are getting punished at school too!" "Good" I say and smile. The school informed me since they never made it to campus that day they actually could not do anything. But I used my clout with an administrator and he had the school resource officer show up and meet with him and the boys in his office to shake them up. 
And, for now at least, there will be no skipping for a while. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

When Nicotine Makes You Drop Your Morals (war of the neighbors final part)

This is the end of the Neighbor war...until the next one. If you wondered how the war started you can click it and find out. Or if you are curious how the whole racism thing played out you can read part two. But when I left off, the neighbor and I had just had a bit of a nasty exchange over the phone when I had to go. Although things got yucky, I am the type of person who can dish it, take it, then move on. Which is what I expected to happen. I figured I would not go to the party to keep the neighbors emotions in check. I did want to go but I did not need any additional drama. 
David and I discussed it, he is closer to them than I and he really wanted to go but again we decided to just lay low. Around 6:30p the neighbors son came and knocked at the door. I invited him in and he said "my mom and dad want to know if you guys are coming or not because there is plenty food and celebration." I made up some excuse and told him that my daughter had a bit of a cold so her being out at night was not good. He looked sad and left. I felt bad. I felt mad that I allowed the lady next door to influence me in such a way. I just honesty did not want to be in the drama. Two hours later a relative of the family that knows David came by and again asked if he was coming over. David told him he would not be attending because he had lots to do around the house and that was that. We both sat there felling bad about it.
The next day I did not hear or see the neighbor which is extremely odd. Neither did I the next day. Her blinds stayed closed all day. I was enjoying the peace but knew for sure when two days passed she was pissed. Which pissed me off. If I knew she was gonna act stank anyway I would have went. I also knew she was mad because she is on a fixed income but she smokes and from the 15th thru the 3rd (when she receives her check) I am her tobacco provider (another post all in itself) And I could imagine she was having quite the nicotine withdrawals. So for her not to call or come by to borrow some cigarettes told me she was pissed. On the third day I saw her on the side of my home walking her dog. Me and my two oldest kids were headed out to the grocery store. Usually if she is outside and sees us she beelines it to where we are then holds us hostage with her griping for an hour or so. She saw us come out and made no moves?? 
Maybe she feels bad about things now that she has had time to reflect so as I pulled out of my driveway I smiled and waved just to let her know we were cool. When I did that I swear she seemed to roll her eyes and turn her back to me! I was shocked! I then thought oh Roc, maybe you're imagining the eye rolling surely she is not that crazy. But when my oldest said "what is wrong with Jane why did she just roll her eyes like that at you?" I knew I was not crazy. If she is pissed at me than so be it. Let the war on this side begin! Thursday nothing from her again. Quiet as a mouse over there. Friday I pull up and she is outside walking her dog. Since she obviously has an issue with me  I did not wave or say hello I went in to get my jacket and was headed back out to get in the car to leave and she came over and said coldly "hello" I icily said back "Well hello. I thought you were mad at me?" Shit lets call it out and deal with it because I did not have time for her shit. She then says "No I thought you were mad at me. I've been worried sick that you were upset." She puts her head down in her miserable-sympathy- evoking fashion. Always the victim. Oh no I thought. You are not getting away with it that easily. I then said to her "if you were not mad then why did you roll your eyes at me?" (don't BS me lady) She said "oh I did not roll my eyes." "Oh you sure did." I retorted "even my kids noticed." She said "well if I did  it was not intentional. I've just been so busy deciding if I was gonna move or stay" she says. More BS. She's been threatening to move since she got here. She wants us to beg her to stay. "Well you obviously had a problem I say because when I waved you did not wave back, so if you did not roll your eyes, you definitely threw some attitude at me." She stammered around for an excuse for her behavior then said "oh no I knew you were in a hurry and I did not want to keep you." BULLSHIT!!!! Because, She has never cared if I was in a hurry or not! Never! Not once! Even when I have said I am in a hurry she will go on and on. Uggh. 
So I said "oh well a wave is not a time sucker it's just a wave." I kept at it because I  wanted her to admit she was mad so we could hash it out. She tried changing the subject and it took a mere minute before she said "well I have been without smokes for days. Could I borrow a couple?" Aha! I knew it! If she was not mad she would have been over asking for cigarettes! She then told me how she tried to make it without them but is having such withdrawals her head is pounding and she just can't go any longer without one. Further proof she was pissed. Remember this lil statement she made to me? "well You're better than me! I suppose you can just drop your morals and turn a blind eye to what's going on around here in the interest of good food!"  It was really hard to not point out that she was dropping her morals for a smoke. I wondered then if I did not have something she so desperately needed would she have even spoke? Doubtful. 
Anyways. Since that night we have started talking again, barely, but I have a whole new feeling about her. She has always annoyed me but I felt that she was helpless and needed my help. Now? Not so much. Now I feel that she will turn on you in a second should you not agree with her. Well lady you have met your match because although I gave up what I felt I should do to prevent her feelings I am done with that. And we have entered a new realm of reality she and I. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011

War of the Neighbors Part 2....Calling It What It Is.

The Neighbor War started here in case you missed it.
Okay let's pick up on the story. The next day was Saturday...Party Day! I got up early and headed out to run some errands. Although completely irritated by the drama, I did feel bad for the neighbor (white lady) because she is an emotional wreck and I appear to be one of her two treasured friends. So I braced myself and gave her a call. I asked her how she was feeling and she said "oh I'm fine. I'm just keeping an eye on those people." She asked me if I planned on attending the "murderous festivities" next door. I simply said I was not invited. This is when she informs me that I was invited and apparently she was too. She tells me that an hour before the whole pig slaying event she was out walking her dog when she was approached by the Mexican woman next door. She said the woman approached her asked if she liked good food and the neighbor, hell we need to name her, so we'll call her Jane. Jane said yes I do and then the Mexican lady, we'll call her Judy, said "we are having a party to celebrate my baby's baptism and everyone is invited. Would you please consider coming by?" Then Jane tells me she responded by saying "if I can. And then I even reached out and shook her Mexican hand." That comment "Mexican hand" really pissed me off. Jane tells me that Judy left an invitation on my door which Jane removed once the fighting began because she knew "I would want no parts of their fiesta". Again I am getting more angry. She removed an invitation from my door?! That would be getting addressed very soon.
Since I was not home I ask Jane "are there many people there?" She said "oh its been up and down I have counted 11 different vehicles coming and going." I asked her "well is it loud?"  I was tryna gauge what I was in for when I got back to my home. She said yes. (I called David after and he said he heard nothing) She then tells me that she had placed a call to our property owner and he came over and the both of them, Jane and the property owner, stood on Jane's porch and glared at them to "send the message that they were being watched". Again this comment and behavior annoyed me.
She told me that the Mexicans came over and brought the property owner a plate and invited him also. He spit in the food and threw it away. Jane thought that was hilarious. I was outraged! My blood was boiling and I just did not know how much more I could stand without voicing my true thoughts. Torn between being cordial with the neighbors and not totally alienating Jane which would lead  to having to deal with another breakdown of hers I said "well if they send me a plate I'm definitely eating it." There was silence on her end and finally she asked "you are?"  "Well, yes I am" I say. Her voice turned venomous and she asked "so do you plan on attending this lil fiesta?" "You know I'd really like to stop by as a courtesy, my kids do play with their kids and I did see a bouncy house on their lawn when I left. Not to mention I love me some Mexican food." She then said "well You're better than me! I suppose you can just drop your morals and turn a blind eye to what's going on around here in the interest of good food!"
Trying to throw a bit of humor in it because I could feel it coming on I said "yup you know I'll do anything for food, hell I'd trade one of my kids for the right meal" I started to laugh. I notice she is not laughing. She says "well I'd be careful who I hang out with because  the first sign of noise or anything at all I'm calling the cops and unless you wanna be there when they get there I would not go." Is that a threat? Hmmm I say as I ponder that. I have no reason to be concerned about the presence of police.. Then comes the voice cracking on her end and shes says "oh Roc, if you go then they will think I am just some crazy lady down here starting stuff." Well ain't ya? Jane then begins to choke up as she says "I thought you were against what happened here." "I am" I explain, "but because I do not agree with a specific thing a person does doesn't mean I am better then them." "Well I for one have a moral fiber?" she retorts. Hmmmm sounded like she was saying I did not. Having enough now I responded with "I for one, am not a racist!" Jane  yells "I am not a racist!" "Oh but you are" I say. Just admit it!" "No I'm not!"she yells again. "Listen just be honest. I can accept you for who you are, but you need to be honest with who you are and you are a racist!" "I was invited to that party" she says angrily and as a matter of fact I even shook her Mexican hand!"  I paused wondering if she had any clue what she sounded like then said "case in point "her Mexican hand" Racist." "Okay okay maybe I am!" she yells. "I have had many experiences with non Americans and they have not been pleasant. Then she begins to explain that her parents were racists..shocker there right? But seriously at 50 you should have formed your own opinions. My mother was a racist too but I knew at 7 years old that was wrong and I was not one. She then says "my father fought in the war and to his death bed hated Germans and Koreans." I said "look I get that your generation can be that way but I am from a different time and my world is not that way. Neither do I want to be around it. You are entitled to your opinions and views but I do not share them and prefer to not deal with them." Just then I had another call beep in so I told her I would talk to her later and that was that. 

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

The War of The Neighbors

Oh good lord so here we go again...The war of the neighbors. Mexicans against Americans. Not good. Here is how it went down. As I leave for work on Thursday I notice my neighbors (Mexicans)....
 Disclosure: before anyone comments on me calling them "Mexicans" I do not know their names and the fact that they are Mexicans play a huge part in this story so if that offends you, x out now. Thank you and have a nice day. 
...have a port a john on their front lawn. Not cool I think but I know there are about 15 people living there so I assume that they need an extra toilet. Hell we have 6 people and 2 toilets and that is a challenge. When I arrive at work my neighbor (white lady).....
Disclosure: Again do not comment on the fact that I call her a white lady, I do know her name but her whiteness is crucial to the story. If that offends you x out now. Thank you and have a nice day.... Calls me. I answer the phone with attitude because guess what? I am at work! My greeting is this "I'm at work" She says "I know and I am sorry for bothering you but did you see that port a john on their front lawn?" "I did" I say. "Well I plan to do something about that."she informs me. "Okay you should, because I work.!!!  talk to you later" I say. 
Fast forward to 5pm. I m getting off and notice I have 13 missed calls! 5 of them were my neighbor. I am livid. Because I am naturally bitchy and annoyed and she knew I was working and called me so much. I call her back she answers and I say "is there a problem?" She pauses, probably shocked at my rudeness. Then she says "well yes there is." "Well what's the problem?" I ask. Here is the story she tells me almost just as she told me.......
"Well first of all those Mexicans have been busy as bees over there and I don't know what they are cooking up but honey they had about 5 trucks pull up and about 15 Mexican men busying themselves about the property." "Doing what?" I ask. "Oh honey they were a'sweeping and boiling large pots of water, cleaning and setting up tables. I wait for the bad part.....(sounds of birds chirping) She says nothing for a minute or so. I think she is shocked that I am not mad that "all those Mexican men were out their boiling water and such" She begins again "they parked their cars purposely where I could not see what they were doing behind them."
Another Disclosure: let me explain, her house is joined to mine. I am at the end of the street she is one spot up, they are beside her. There is a driveway between her side of the house and their home. This is where most of the time they park. Actually it is where they should park. So they were not blocking her view. They parked where they park. 
So immediately I am annoyed at her description of their "sneakiness". Anyhoo, she tells me she went around her house from window to window tryna get a glimpse of what they were doing. Freaking busy body! Then when she couldn't get a view she decided to shower. It was then that she heard the most horrific howling sound. It was the sound of an animal in pain. When she looks out her window she sees two hogs hanging in a tree. This is not the first time there has been pigs slaughtered by them. She watches in horror as the guys slit the throat of one of the hogs. Then she runs out in her nightgown and starts screaming at them "what the hell are you doing! You Mexican M-fers! You sick bastards! Where do you think you are Mexico! Get that damn pig down now! You nasty bleep bleep bleep and so on. She continues throwing racial slurs at them as they stand there in shock. Then she begins to jump up and down and throw a good ole fashion fit. At this point they begin to laugh at her. She becomes outraged that they are "picking on her" "starting things with her" Laughing at her" so she screams "okay laugh spics, I'm going to call the cops!" And she storms in and does just that. At this point the guys load up the bleeding pigs and head out. 
The police arrive and basically tell her they are not sure what the ordinances/codes are but they will go over and see what is going on . Which they do. They return and tell her that they will have to talk to the captain because they are not sure if killing pigs is illegal. She begins to shout out codes/laws at them and they tell her that for now they have removed the pigs and would not return with them until they were dead to spare her any heartache. She starts yelling at the police "did you check their papers? Are they legal? Did they have a receipt for those pigs? How do you know they are not stolen? What about sanitation code? What if the pig has a disease that is now spread across the lawns of everyone and her dog gets sick? And more stuff of the like.
They tell her that the neighbors are having a celebration to baptize their baby. And the pigs were to be cooked. That they meant no harm and they were just following their customs and did not realize they did anything wrong. They also sent word by the police that they meant no harm. The police seem to agree with them and tell her basically to just leave them alone. She them tells them that now that they have gone over and riled them up she is not safe. That they will probably do something to her and wants to know if the police are gonna do surveillance on our street for a while. They tell her she is in no harm. She then takes the route of "I am an American! I pay your salaries! I have rights to feel safe in my home!" etc etc .At this point I am sure that they have had it with her screaming at them so they leave. She informs me that she had told the neighbors "wait until Roc finds out about this! Oh she'll have you thrown off the street!"  
I tell her to please keep my name out of her feuds. I will not have them thrown off the street. I have no such powers and have no desire to be in the middle of this feud. I explain to her that I totally do not agree with the pig killings here on on the block We are in the city limits and not out in the country where I suspect that may occur. And if I had been home I  may have called the police too. I don't know what I would have done. But I would have tried to compromise with the neighbors, explain how I felt about it and that I definitely do not want my kids to hear or witness the killing of animals, but at the same time I love me some bacon. So maybe if they could kill their pigs somewhere else more appropriate, in a field somewhere that would be a good compromise. But I do not think they are bad people or illegals or killers. And I honestly felt that her complaints to the police would have been more effective had she stuck to the pigs and not all the Mexican slurs. She then began to cry and tell me that she feels horrible that ever since she moved here there has been nothing but trouble and she obviously is making it hard for me to socialize with "those kinda people". I try to calm her down and assure her I am not mad at her for she is entitled to her opinions but to keep my name out of it. I am capable of speaking up for myself. From here it goes severely down hill...Part two coming soon.
But in the meantime, so far, please tell me who do you think at this point is wrong them or her? Or neither?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Another Mystery Solved By Yours Truly

So my boys newest hobby is a lil something called airosoft guns. Kinda like BB guns but safer.  I'm no fan of guns and really do not want my boys playing with them. But....I pick my battles. Weed? Airosoft? Weed? Airosoft?....
Hmmm okay no weed but go ahead and shoot the shit outta each other. {Smile} Anyhoo they had to save up and purchase their own artillery. I thought that would buy me time to get them over this lil phase but nope. Funny how when they want something they will work like worker bees to earn the money. They were some grass-cutting, chore-doing, car-washing fools for a month or so. They earned quite a bit of cash and began ordering guns, ammo, and protective gear.
When the first guns arrived we had a lil safety lesson. And I laid down the rules. 
1- No guns out and about 
2- Always wear protective gear
3- There is a designated area behind our home in which they can play with them. 
4- They are never allowed to aim the guns toward our home or in the general direction of civilization period.
5- The guns must be locked up when not in use ( they were provided with a locking cabinet)
6- Only play outdoors and gun indoors must be unloaded
7- The guns could only be use under my supervision
8- No shooting animals, property or other people

And for my amusement further safety measures I had them shoot each other in the rear in front of me so that could gauge the power of these guns. Because that's what the guns were for, shooting each other. Then I released them into the wild to shoot the crap outta each other. There was a time or two in which certain kids lost their privilege to play with the guns. I would catch them aiming east instead of west... that sorta thing. 
For a while it went well. The biggest problem I had was that they would dress up in full army gear and go into the woods to play. From my kitchen window the view of them in full camouflage walking through the woods with a seeming rifle looked scary. Honestly that did not look so good. I'm sure my neighbors were thinking "there's our next high school shooter." It did look bad. If I had seen someone else's kid in the woods with guns I would have definitely judged her parenting. But since my neighbors are pig killing Hispanics, suspected crack dealers and a psycho older lady I did not really have to worry about my image. In fact it may even be good for them all to fear my children and I.
The only issue it caused me was there were eight trillion airosoft pellets at any given time rolling around on my floors. And trust me at 2am when you get up to pee and step on one.....Well lets just say it hurts. I got sick of seeing these green and white lil pellets everywhere; in my washer, dryer, vacuum cleaner etc. I instituted a fine of 75cents per pellet to be deducted from their allowances. I then had the joy of going around finding the pellets and collecting them to bring to the table at allowance day. Which went like this. "Okay I owe you $12 for chores....counting pellets, sounds of calculator typing,..... and now after the pellet deduction... you owe me... 50cents!"
Thank you! 
That problem did not last long. 
Then came a Sunday when David and I decided to go out to eat breakfast alone. We dropped princess off at a play date and left the boys home alone. When we pulled up later we heard them running through the house yelling "they're here! they're here!" Hmmm. I tried furiously to get the lock opened fast enough to catch them red handed in whatever they were doing...Eating in the living room, watching porn, who knew?? By the time I got in, nothing just 3 lil angels sitting on the couch watching TV. Yeah right. Who do they think I am? I investigated and interrogated them to find out just what had been going down while I was away and got nothing. Even the lil one would not fess up. After I counted up my smokes, measured my alcohol and checked the backyard for footprints I had nothing so I let it go.
Yesterday I decided to open up some windows to let in some air and noticed this.
Hmmmm, that's odd I thought. I did not catch right on. I proceeded to the next window and saw this.....

Weird huh? What would make these holes in my blinds??? Wait a minute.....Is that a green pellet on my window sill? Why yes it is. How did that get there I wondered. Then it dawned on me..... It was shot there! Hell naw! So three lil boys lost their guns and paid for new mini blinds. And now I know what they did while I was away.
What kinda things did you do when left home alone? Hit me with it so I can be prepared.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

So What if the Whole World Knows I Watch Porn (red faced)

One night  a couple weeks ago I noticed my email alert on my phone was sending me mail failure messages in the middle of the night. Upon closer inspection it was telling me that  my message failed to reach some recipients. I had sent no messages so I was not concerned. A day later a friend emailed me to ask what was up with the message I had sent him???
I had sent him no message to my knowledge. I did some investigating and realized that my email had emailed EVERYONE on my contact list an email attempting to sell them Viagra and Cialis at a cheap rate online. I was horrified. Not only did it mail that to everyone and by everyone I mean teachers, principles, work contacts, the pastor etc, but it had shared everyone's email address with everyone else. I had no clue why or what to do about it so I did nothing.
A few days later I checked my work email and I had an email from my personal account. I opened it not thinking and guess what? It was a porn link. And guess what else apparently I had emailed everyone that porn link. I was horrified. I sent everyone an apology email explaining that I did not know why that happened but I definitely did not send out porn to the pastor. This happened maybe three times and then a friend told me I had a malware virus? I installed some protection and disabled my mail feature on my phone which is where I suspect it came from and as far as I know it has stopped. 
But OMG how freaking embarrassing is that? A techy person told me that can happen when you visit  a porn site. That a virus can attack your phone and do things like send out emails to attack other peoples stuff. He also told me that you do not get a porn virus unless you have been to a porn site and apparently everyone but me knew that. *Gulp*
I may or may not have checked out a porn site on my phone one evening. Why am I telling everyone? Because apparently everyone already knows! I'm going to go change my identity now. But before I go have plastic surgery I just wanted to warn all you PTA soccer moms that be careful what you do online because your secret is not safe and you could end up like me and the dirty lil secret can be exposed. I can literally hear the teachers in their staff meeting saying "no wonder Marlon is failing English, his mother's addicted to porn". Oh the shame!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

The Weed Post

Having teen boys is both fun and entertaining but sometimes it can be stressful trying to find the medium. As my boys mold into men it is a constant challenge for me to find the balance between mommying them and letting them grow and learn life lessons on their own. I recently faced a challenge that was my hardest to date and wanted to share that and get some feedback.
My boys often will go down to our local park and play football with a bunch of kids from the nearby high school and middle school. I am one of those moms that constantly check up on them. Why? Because soon enough they will be out and away and I will not be able to check on them so while I can, I do. I also follow up on everything they do to ensure they are where they say they are and doing what they say they are doing. Why? Because I used to be a teenager. Last week my boys called to tell me they were going to the park to play football. About an hour later I rode by the park as I do every time just to peep out the scene. They were there with about 6 other guys sitting on a bench waiting for the rest of they guys to show up. I rode by and went about my business. I knew they would be there but I still come through so that they know "mom can roll up at anytime." I generally will check once and that is it but this day I thought I'd shake things up a bit. I decided to do a repeat drive by an hour or so later. This time I parked out of sight. I could see them they but could not see me. 
Psycho? Naw, I just want to make sure my kids are not involved in any situations that they should not be. I parked my van about a block away and behind a tree lined area to begin my surveillance. The very first thing I noticed was our small town bad ass, we'll call him Aaron. My boys used to be friends with Aaron and his brother Danny until I found out they had been arrested many times and were really some bad kids with an unfit mother. So my boys have been instructed to no longer hang with those guys for about a year now. Problem is these boys walk to school too and live close by so they are around so to speak. So anyhoo I see Aaron. I am immediately pissed that Aaron is there. The next thing I notice is Aaron is smoking! And the next observation I make is Aaron is smoking weed. It was obvious from the way he held the joint. You do not hold a joint the same way you hold a cigarette.I was furious! I put my car in drive ready to roll up and cause havoc, call the law, show my ass that kinda thing. 
Then I thought for a minute, put my car back in park and thought better to observe for a minute and see what my boys did. I was certain I would see them hit the weed. Not that I think they smoke at all but there was 12 guys there and I know peer pressure can be hell.
I watched Aaron make a big show of smoking the weed right there in public and then to my horror I saw him hold up the joint to my oldest son as if offering him a toke. My body went stiff as I waited to see what my son would do. Those two seconds were the longest two seconds of my life. I held my breath. My son shook his head "no". The boy seemed to persist that he give it a pull and still my son shook his head. Aaron then turned to my other son. Now this son is a goody-two-shoes so I knew he would say no especially if his older brother said no. As predicted my other son said No too.
Then an amazing thing happened I saw Aaron offer a hit to all the boys holding the joint up like anyone want some and they all said No. Not one taker in the entire group! That was my single most proudest parenting moment to date. I cannot explain the pride and love I felt when I saw both my boys say no to drugs in a park filled with guys. I was also proud for the other boys as well and proud that my boys are making good decisions not only about drugs but the company they keep. But I was also fuming at that lil bad ass Aaron for attempting to get my kids high. So I rolled up. I pulled up to the curb, the game stopped, all the boys looked at the van. Aaron immediately tried to drop the joint slickly by his side, hoping I did not see him. I rolled down my window and said "Aaron, go ahead pick it up! I know your smoking weed." He just kinda rolled his eyes. I said again "go ahead pick it up! Smoke it up! If your own mother don't give a damn about you down here getting high and you don't care about yourself why hide from me?" I was pissed I wanted to get out an whop Aaron's ass and go find his momma and beat her down as well. This is the type of kid that influences others to do bad things. I then said to him "I could care less about what you do but you keep that shit away from my kids!" 
I then called my kids over to the car. I asked who had the weed and how many kids were down here smoking it. They told me two boys out of 12. Aaron and some other hispanic kid who had brought the weed to the park. I told warned them "you better not engage in this at all! You never know when I'm gonna roll up." They nodded and went back to play ball. 
It was then the hardest parenting moment. I wanted so badly to get my kids in the car and take them home I did not want them around this. But I realized they have to face these types of challenges and make choices without me. They are young men now, not my little babies I can swoop up and keep safe watch over 24 hours a day. So against my bleeding heart I drove home and left them there. Hoping and praying that Aaron did not eventually wear them down. It was so hard to realize that I cannot protect them from this and god knows what else. 
When my boys showed up for dinner I did a marijuana check, check the eyes smelled their fingers for the scent of smoke and even monitored how much dinner they ate. We talked about the situation and I told them I had been watching and say them say No. I was so very proud of them. I just hope they stay strong enough to keep saying no.
Wondering what other parents would have done in that situation?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

My Summer Wrap Up Poem With Pics

Summer started out with a real big smile.
We loaded up the kids for a trip to Wet N Wild.
Although they look crabby they really had fun. They were just tired from all of that sun.

The trip was to celebrate MJ's birthday! But in true Princess fashion we had to celebrate many, many ways!

Then a few days later came mommy's birthday.
The party was fun and the gifts were all great .....
..until some lil snotty nosed kid blew out the candles on my cake.
And boy was I pissed, just look at my face!

We got a Y membership and spent lots of time at the pool. Where my teens joined in senior aerobics because they are so cool.
Then we had a cookout just the kiddos and us. Hotdogs, burgers and even a cake. 
I got tipsy and rode the tractor around the neighborhood causing everyone to awake!
Oh and then there is the neighbor. Who is a part of my every day.
The only way I can get some peace from her would be to move away.
We decided to go out to the lake and jet ski with friends, that day was a blast the fun did never end!
Then to mundane things like checkups for the boys.
 They love when I take pics of then and post them on facebook for all to get joy!
Poor little Pooty got poison ivy ten times. 
He tried to hide it from me but this crossed the line!

MalloryJane's pet millipede sadly passed away
She still thinks he is sleeping, to this very day.

 We had family up for a cookout that was meant to be fun and light. 
Until too many drinks caused these two to get into a fight
But the biggest surprise of the summer was my ten year old son became a lady!
 And soon after that we discovered he was having a baby!
The older boys aquired a new hobby I dislike. They are adddicted to airsoft guns.
 They play then all day into the night.
The biggest event of the summer was probably when I got back together with my 12 year lover. All we did was fight for the last 4 years.
But now we are happy as larks as you can see here.
So as you can see our summer was full of all kinds of events and you know the deal.
 A day in Raquel's World can be such a bad trip. 
But an entire summer in Raquel's World, well that is the SHIT!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Discrimination or Keeping it Real? PART 2

This is part two to the haircut story. Part one is essential to this so check it out here.

We are now an hour and a half into what should have been a 30 minute or less haircut. Esther and I have gone back and forth and I am hoping she now knows what to do. "It has been a while since I cut this angular of a bob" she tells me "so I'm going to have someone come help me." She turns to Melinda and says "she wants a more angular cut and I can't remember how to do that. Could you help me?" Melinda looks annoyed I'm sure is thinking look biaatch I have my own three clients I'm working on. It is now actually only just two. Melinda says "I need to wash the dye out of her hair and then I'll be right there". 
I sit and wait 10 more minutes and then Melinda comes over and looks at my head and asks "what exactly are you trying to do Esther?" Esther begins to explain and Melinda says "no, no you are going about it all wrong. You see you need to cut from  the front to the back." She takes the scissors from Esther and begins cutting my hair on the right side. "See how I do this? You see how I pull each piece back to the start point? You see Esther?" She explains in haircutter language just what she is doing so that Esther can get it. Now you try. She gives Esther the scissors back and Esther cuts a piece or two of hair. "Good Esther. You got it now? Just remember, front to back, front back. Whatever you do, do not cut back to front. That will give you an entirely different cut" Melinda walks off I glance at the side Melinda has cut in less than 4 minutes, it is perfect! Okay now Esther has it. Esther spins me to the wall again and starts cutting. She is muttering and mumbling and seems stressed. She calls Melinda back over to check her work out. Melinda comes over and yells "What did you do? Esther what the hell did you do? Does this side look like the side I did? How did you cut it. Did you do front to back like I told you to?"  "No" Says Esther with her head down like a scolded child. "I did back to front" she says ashamed. "What did I tell you Esther? I said don't do it that way! Now you have messed it up! There is no way to fix this, just give me the scissors while I try to fix this!" she yells and starts cutting angrily at my hair. I am in the middle of this and am quite uncomfortable. But hope that at least Melinda will fix what ever the hell Esther has done to my hair. Melinda walks off annoyed and leaves Esther to "tighten up the ends."

Esther says "I'm sorry I just couldn't do it." "It's okay" I tell her "Melinda seems to have fixed it." "Well still, I am sorry" she says again "I really am." I tell her not to worry about it it is fine. She says "I just get so nervous." "I understand" I tell her. Although I am pissed it has been over two hours and my hair is still not how I wanted it. I do not want to make her feel worse. She must be horribly embarrassed. Melinda did chastise her in front of everyone. But Melinda probably has to bail out Esther quite a bit and is sick of it. Anyway, Esther finally finished. The result? The side Melinda did is perfect. The other side?...not so much. But it's not horrible. But it still was better than the first style Esther gave me. I get to the front to pay and hand Esther a sympathy tip and she says "no I do not deserve it" and hands it back. I give it back and tell her "hey you tried." "No, I do not want this tip."she says. I did not even cut it right." "True, but you did spend a lot of time on it. And please give this to Melinda" I hand her an additional tip for Melinda. "She had to take time from her clients to help so she should get something." I explain. "I will  give her both tips" Esther says pathetically. I just no longer have the energy to deal with this "Esther" so out the door I go!  OMG what an event.

These pics suck but since you all asked for them here ya go! You can't really tell it's lopsided but trust me it is.

Old Hairdo
New Hairdo

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Discrimination or Keeping it Real? PART 1

I have the WORST luck when it comes to hair salons. The worst! In fact, I've blogged about it before. Well this time is even worse than the last. This experience is so hard to believe that it will take two posts just to share it. Here goes...
I realize you get what you pay for but I am a budgeter and $50 on a haircut just doesn't fly with me so  I usually go to the cheap place. I can sometimes get a cut for less than $10. I decided to step it up a bit and go to the $15 salon, in the hopes that the slightly higher price will mean a better quality cut.
I arrive there at 11am. there is a glamour looking girl with three customers lined up in the back. She is dying one head, perming one, and cutting another. She must be good, I thought. I step up to the sign in sheet and notice where you select a stylist everyone had "Melinda". I did not know Melinda so I just signed in. Melinda, whom was doing 3 girls head at once, hollers to the back "ESTHER!"
A lady who looked a hot mess peered out from the back room. Melinda yells to her "she's here for a haircut." "Oh, says Esther, I just assumed she was here for you, since everyone else is." Esther comes up to greet me. I notice she has a pretty sever limp. That worries me. 
Looks like Esther

Hey don't judge me!

As she drags her limp leg behind her I am panicking I can just tell this is gonna be bad. Esther's hair looks dried up, frizzy, out of style etc. 
Esther is old. 
Esther looks absent in the brain. 
Esther is squinting like she can barely see.
Oh Shit Oh shit I am panicking. I want to run out of the salon but I decide that is not the right thing to do. Calm down I tell myself her leg has nothing to do with her haircutting abilities. So I smile at Esther and ask if she will be cutting my hair, I am secretly hoping she is just the shampoo girl. She says she will be cutting my hair. She then rears back and tosses a deadish arm onto the counter. What the hell?  I try not to stare at the arm but come on you got to be kidding me? How can she cut my hair with no feeling in her arm? Oh My god. Okay now I am freaking out. Her arm does not work. I look around the salon nervously hoping someone will save me but.... nope. I know it is wrong and I do not want to discriminate but I do not want a one-working arm person cutting my hair. Oh god, this can't be good. But then I tell myself if she could not cut hair she would not be working here. I chastise myself for discriminating and decide to put a smile on my face and trust Esther. 
 I feel it in my gut. This is not gonna turn out well. But It would be very discriminatory if I walk out now so I am stuck. I ask Esther for a hairstyle book. She hands me one for men? Damn Esther can you even see? I am a woman! That worries me. I tell her I will need a woman's book and she apologizes and takes 15 minutes locating a book for me. I quickly find what I want, a simple bob.
A Simple BOB
I ask Esther if she can do it, she says a "piece if cake." So off we go. When we arrive at her booth she turns my chair completely around from the mirror. She gets to work a snipping and cutting, never once turning me to face the mirror, so I am clueless. An hour later she is done. I look in the mirror. 
What the hell Esther? 
This is not a bob! 
I look like....................................................................................................................................................
I have shoulder length choppy uneven hair. She raves about the great cut and says "don't you love it?" I do not want to hurt Esther's feelings but I am so sick of leaving a salon with some crap ass hair cut. So I act like it is me. I say " I know I did not make it clear (lie, because I did make it clear and showed her the picture) but I want it shorter."  "Shorter?" she asks in disbelief. "Yes, you know, like the picture." I remind her. "Oh well I like it longer" she says. "Well that's nice Esther but I want it shorter, like the picture." "Are you sure?" she asks me. 'Yup" I say. "Okay" she says. She then cuts again for about 30 minutes and then spins me around to face the mirror.
 It looks exactly the same! 
"Esther I really would like a short, blunt defined cut." I say trying to decide if I should just give up and go home. It's already been an hour and a half. "Oh she says. I like this cut better" "Well it is not your hair Esther and I want a short bob." "Can you do that?" I ask her. Yes I have been cutting bobs for years. I am capable of cutting a bob. I just do not think you would look good in a bob." Odd that she did not tell me that an hour and a half ago when I choose that particular style. "Well I want one and its my hair I say." becoming a bit irritated. "You are right" she says and recoils as if I had scolded her. "Okay, okay. I'll cut the bob" Esther relents.
You won't believe what happens next stay tuned for part two.
Question though...Honestly.

Do you think It was discriminatory for me to feel the way I felt about Esther's capabilities to cut my hair once I saw her handicap? Would you have allowed Esther to cut your hair?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

I Really Gotta Work On That

Last week, one late afternoon I opened my front door to check the mail and Bam! The neighbor was mere feet away from my porch. See she parks her car on the front lawn because "she doesn't want to be in danger of being attacked by the Mexicans" If she parks in the parking area out back she feels the lighting is not suffice and she is in danger.
Although I have been parking in the lot behind our home for years. Not once had I ever been attacked by "the Mexicans". LOL She claims the lighting is not suffice in the back. The lighting is fine. What is it with this lady and lights? Personally, I think she is just too lazy to walk the 15 steps from the lot to the door. So she pulls her car right up to her front door and that is where she parks it. Unsightly because we share a front yard and her car is the main attraction on the lawn. And when she actually does goes anywhere the grass is all dead and brown underneath it and it is such an eye sore but whatever. (Wow I guess I  had to rant on that.) I really am just trying to explain why she is right at my front door when I open it.
Anyhoo, there she was. I stammered caught off guard. You see it is so hard to get away from her once she gets going. I said hi and she said "Oh I need to see you! Thank goodness you came out!" "See" I say all smarty pants and spin around so she can get a full view. (bitchy huh? and I am not even PMSing) . Sigh, Why can't I just check my mail in peace?
I make a lil small talk and she tells me she needs me to come over that it is important. Going into her home is like a trip to that Hotel California place in that song. You can come in but you never get out. But what could I say? Unable to come up with an excuse fast enough I just gave in and went in.
She asked me to sit down and she went to fetch a small trunk. All I could think about was the time I came over and she went through her families entire history with me showing me photos and such. She sits down and unfolds this blue velvet cloth. Attached to the cloth are many forms of jewelry.
 She starts pulling each piece out and telling me its history. Awesome another history lesson! I can hardly contain my excitement. None of the jewelry appears real it is all costume jewelry. But much of it is very pretty. She then hands me a pair of earrings and says "I want you to have these." Although they were not real they were beautiful. I said "No way I'm not taking your jewelry." By the time I say that she has chosen 5 other pieces to give me, all really pretty. She pulls a few more pieces from her collection and explains that she has to sell them off for cash but a couple pieces she cannot bear to sell to a stranger. She says her momma gave them to her to pass down to her daughter someday and since she never had one I am the closest thing to a daughter for her and she wants me to have them.  Silence from me.

Yes, I felt like shit! I immediately think of all the blogging I have done about her. So much that I was considering renaming my blog THE NEIGHBOR. I thought of how mean I am sometimes and I feel like shit. I do not deserve her cherished heirlooms and I try to decline taking them but she insists. So I took them. 8 pairs of earrings, 2 bracelets, 2 toe rings, 2 anklets. Real cute stuff. She tried to give me some pins but I explained to her that they really would not be worn and would not see the light of day if she gave them to me. Women in their 30's don't wear breast pins. You guys don't.... do you?
Anyway. I felt bad. She does have a good heart and means well. I just need to be more patient. I'ma work on that.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Erotic CookOut???????????????????

So last weekend we decided to have a campfire in the yard with the kids. The plan was to build a fire pit and hang with the kids. Let them roast weenies on a stick and marshmallows. We would catch lightning bugs and ride bikes in the dark etc. Then after the kiddos wore down we would have some adult time to drink some wine and talk. 
Well RA is an outdoor guy and I am not. It is not uncommon for him to go out late with the kids and do things like that. Since I am usually in need of a break I will generally let him hang out with the kids late in the yard and I would enjoy some much needed alone time. In the past when RA is outside the neighbor who is attention starved will hang out there with him and I like that because it kept both of them out of my hair for a couple hours. 
This evening was different. I had planned on being out with everyone. So RA headed outside at dusk to build the fire pit and get some things together. I was indoors preparing snacks and activities. I noticed the neighbor come out and talk to him and I guess she thought it would be another night of them hanging out. As I prepared the snacks I noticed the neighbor bringing things out too. I was cool with that I figured we would give her attention as we were planning to do with the kids and then she would be out of our hair for the evening. I think she had other plans
I came out to bring the plate of snacks and noticed that the neighbor had brought out a table and filled it with candles. I thought "how nice of her". As I set my kids toys up and such I noticed on the table there was a bottle of wine. I continued on with the work of getting things together and apparently she did as well because 15 minutes later when I came back out I saw that she had not only set out candles and wine but she had brought a CD player out???I thought to myself, she has just joined right in and laughed a little. But as the night darkened, I noticed something about the setup. It was mighty damn romantic. Candles, wine, and on the CD player she had a Barry White CD playing? 
Odd cookout music I thought. But the most interesting thing I noticed was she had only brought out two for her and one for RA. It appeared she has set up a lil special evening for her and a special someone. Once I came out she seemed surprised. "oh didn't expect to see you out here tonight" she said. "Oh yeah this was actually my idea" I informed her. "Oh well I guess I wont intrude" she said sounding very disappointed. Which I found odd since she had obviously been excited about hanging out here before my presence was known. I said to her "oh please stay, enjoy some wine and have some grilled food and just hang for a bit. You obviously have gone through a bit of trouble" I looked over at the romantic set up trying not to laugh. She agreed to stay. She and I sipped wine under the tree while the kids played and RA cooked. She had not had that much wine but what really annoyed me is that she spent the entire time raving about the RA. How he was such a good dad, and a good cook, and how handsome he was and blah blah blah.. which I found odd since  things with the RA and I were on uneasy terms and she knew that. She and I had held a few "trash him sessions".

Suddenly she was his biggest fan. I was sipping wine so I found this entertaining. I watched her stare at him and rave about him and call upon him to do everything. She has made a nickname for him...DA-Veed- A fancy way of saying David. Every 5 minutes or so she would holler out "OH DA-Veed, can you pour me some wine? OH  Da-Veed can you help me get this tip open? OH Da-Veed can you make me a burger?" etc. It was ridiculous but hen she reached a ridiculous point where she hollered out "Oh Da-Veed can you spray my Tootsies with bug spray?" RA if nothing else is a super friendly nice guy so he was rushing around trying to fulfill all her requests and when she asked hm to spray her feet off he looked confused. Because come on even though she acts 90 she is in her 50's and perfectly capable of pouring her own wine and spraying her own feet but the whole scene was entertaining.
He took the bug spray and she cocked back into her chair and raised her feet right up. 

RA sprayed and she began this erotic yelping and moaning that was just wrong on so many levels. It was like "Oh, yes, yes! Ummm, ahhh, Da-Veed it feels so good, Ohh, Oh, ahhh, Mmmm!" It was really outta control and inappropriate but we both knew she is a lil loopy so we just ignored her. But she writhed in her chair with pure ecstasy and it was very uncomfortable. Anyhoo, not long after that I shooed her away because seriously enough was enough.

But OMG what a freaking side show!