Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Erotic CookOut???????????????????

So last weekend we decided to have a campfire in the yard with the kids. The plan was to build a fire pit and hang with the kids. Let them roast weenies on a stick and marshmallows. We would catch lightning bugs and ride bikes in the dark etc. Then after the kiddos wore down we would have some adult time to drink some wine and talk. 
Well RA is an outdoor guy and I am not. It is not uncommon for him to go out late with the kids and do things like that. Since I am usually in need of a break I will generally let him hang out with the kids late in the yard and I would enjoy some much needed alone time. In the past when RA is outside the neighbor who is attention starved will hang out there with him and I like that because it kept both of them out of my hair for a couple hours. 
This evening was different. I had planned on being out with everyone. So RA headed outside at dusk to build the fire pit and get some things together. I was indoors preparing snacks and activities. I noticed the neighbor come out and talk to him and I guess she thought it would be another night of them hanging out. As I prepared the snacks I noticed the neighbor bringing things out too. I was cool with that I figured we would give her attention as we were planning to do with the kids and then she would be out of our hair for the evening. I think she had other plans
I came out to bring the plate of snacks and noticed that the neighbor had brought out a table and filled it with candles. I thought "how nice of her". As I set my kids toys up and such I noticed on the table there was a bottle of wine. I continued on with the work of getting things together and apparently she did as well because 15 minutes later when I came back out I saw that she had not only set out candles and wine but she had brought a CD player out???I thought to myself, she has just joined right in and laughed a little. But as the night darkened, I noticed something about the setup. It was mighty damn romantic. Candles, wine, and on the CD player she had a Barry White CD playing? 
Odd cookout music I thought. But the most interesting thing I noticed was she had only brought out two for her and one for RA. It appeared she has set up a lil special evening for her and a special someone. Once I came out she seemed surprised. "oh didn't expect to see you out here tonight" she said. "Oh yeah this was actually my idea" I informed her. "Oh well I guess I wont intrude" she said sounding very disappointed. Which I found odd since she had obviously been excited about hanging out here before my presence was known. I said to her "oh please stay, enjoy some wine and have some grilled food and just hang for a bit. You obviously have gone through a bit of trouble" I looked over at the romantic set up trying not to laugh. She agreed to stay. She and I sipped wine under the tree while the kids played and RA cooked. She had not had that much wine but what really annoyed me is that she spent the entire time raving about the RA. How he was such a good dad, and a good cook, and how handsome he was and blah blah blah.. which I found odd since  things with the RA and I were on uneasy terms and she knew that. She and I had held a few "trash him sessions".

Suddenly she was his biggest fan. I was sipping wine so I found this entertaining. I watched her stare at him and rave about him and call upon him to do everything. She has made a nickname for him...DA-Veed- A fancy way of saying David. Every 5 minutes or so she would holler out "OH DA-Veed, can you pour me some wine? OH  Da-Veed can you help me get this tip open? OH Da-Veed can you make me a burger?" etc. It was ridiculous but hen she reached a ridiculous point where she hollered out "Oh Da-Veed can you spray my Tootsies with bug spray?" RA if nothing else is a super friendly nice guy so he was rushing around trying to fulfill all her requests and when she asked hm to spray her feet off he looked confused. Because come on even though she acts 90 she is in her 50's and perfectly capable of pouring her own wine and spraying her own feet but the whole scene was entertaining.
He took the bug spray and she cocked back into her chair and raised her feet right up. 

RA sprayed and she began this erotic yelping and moaning that was just wrong on so many levels. It was like "Oh, yes, yes! Ummm, ahhh, Da-Veed it feels so good, Ohh, Oh, ahhh, Mmmm!" It was really outta control and inappropriate but we both knew she is a lil loopy so we just ignored her. But she writhed in her chair with pure ecstasy and it was very uncomfortable. Anyhoo, not long after that I shooed her away because seriously enough was enough.

But OMG what a freaking side show!


  1. This was damn funny!!!

    This neighbor is a damn hoot.
    And I hope these aren't her nasty feet because they look like men's to me.

    Oooh DA Veed!!!

  2. You have the funniest/strangest people in your life!

  3. I need you to know I am at work. And they already think I'm off. So to be laughing (snorting!) out of the blue is doing nothing positive for their opinions. I'm glad you let her, um, satisfy herself.

  4. You really need to video some of this stuff.

  5. So he's back to RA uhn? maybe you should have left him to the neighbor ;o)

  6. if you need me to bugspray your feet, let me know. it'll be my pleasure...

  7. Barry White brings out the love in anyone ... with his smooth monotone voice, it's time to put the kids to bed.