Where I Stand

I appreciate so many of you listening and reading about my personal life drama over the past few months. Many of you advised me and some even emailed. It is such an honor to know that people I have never met care. 

I am a big fan of the truth and telling it like it is, so in order for me to blog openly about my life I must come clean with something. everyone knows that life with The RA has been less than desirable to say the least. Quite honestly it has been full of turmoil and dysfunction and I have shared that with you all. And then there was the Other Woman. Well that lil chapter was quite a rough one. Its been almost a month so here's where I'm at. 

12 years with the RA and 6 kids between us....that's a lot of history. Truth be told we had been living separate lives for a couple years now. Its kinda like we couldn't stand to be around each other but did not want the finality of ending it because we do truly care about each other.

I have had other relationships during our time together. He never had until this time. I was not mad that he did. Rather shocked and upset that he did not tell me sooner. Anyways after chatting with the other woman and getting all the sordid details, then dealing with the aftermath of the emotions that come with that, I am good. I am really good. For the first time in years RA and I sat down and talked hour, after hour, hour, night after night after night about how we got to that place. For the first time in 12 years we were really honest about our feelings. Naturally he wanted to come home. I of course was unsure about this. 

He has always had the approach that his business is his and mine is mine. Kinda hard to have a relationship that way. I don't wanna be "big brother" but I want to feel secure both financially and emotionally. I do not want to have a man but be a single mom and that's just what I had been.  He has apologized and asked what can be done to repair things. We are getting counseling and he has turned over all his finances to me. I have all the cards and checkbooks. Not to control him but bc his mishandling of money was a huge source of our issues. I also have all the passwords to his facebook, email etc. Not forever but I feel like if he wants to be with me he has to give me full disclosure, make me feel secure. I personally do not see the need to hide ish anyway unless its wrong. So we are working on it. Working on it hard and fast as we realize we are at a point in our lives that it is make it or break it for us. It sounds crazy but this other woman was the best thing that ever happened to us in a lot of ways. 

She made us stop and realize is this really what we want? Do we wanna be apart? Do we wanna be with someone else? Do we want our relationship to  work? We have a beautiful family and a deep connection.

Now that he seems refocused I think we can do this. I know, I can feel the eyes rolling the head shaking the "oh no Roc"s, and believe me I understand. If my girlfriend was going through this the advice I'd be giving her would be totally different than the path I have chosen. But after much reflection I think I gotta give it an honest effort for my families sake. I was raised without a dad and I so want to break that cycle. Does that mean I will put up with anything? No. But honestly I could have given a bit more as well. I have been one cold bitch for a couple years now. I do not want to be that way anymore. 

This is last call for us. We both know it. But the thing that is different this time is usually when we are getting back together it is one of us trying real hard and the other is just along for the ride. Although he has a lot of making up to do with me I am also working on some issues that I may have. I feel positive about this and feel like this is the best decision for me at this point in my life.
So now can I get back to my usual bitching and such?

Feeling Nothing....Kinda Scary

It's been 11 days since I separated from the RA. It had been a long time coming. Truthfully we had not been happy together for a long time. We seriously have two completely different views on life. I have a more solid, composed approach and he likes to live life in the minute. While living in the moment can be fun, when you have 6 kids it is neither practical or responsible. And therein lays the great divide. We had separated many times before, usually following a huge let down from him then a nasty fight then silence for a while and then he goes off and has fun being single and responsibility-less while I struggle to keep the kids hearts from breaking. I get stuck having to do all the explaining and having to deal with the emotions of the kids while I am still trying to muddle through my own.

This time was different I had been planning to send him on his way for a while. I feel like I am last priority most of the time and I get sick of competing with his ex, his cousins, his friends, etc. I was trying to give myself time to make sure this is what I really wanted to do. I also was trying to give him time to make it right. He never did. So at the end of April I told him he needed to leave by that Sunday, May 1st. He put up no fight, he asked no questions, he shed no tears, he just went. See, I think he wanted to go anyways. And truthfully I could not put up with his irresponsible shit no more. Come on I have four kids and don't need another one. Not to mention I was carrying all the psychical  and financial responsibilities of the home. So I look at it like this if I'm gonna do it all alone, I might as well be alone. 

This time when he left, the kids had no clue. Since he barely was around anyways it wasn't that hard to just tell them "daddy's working." That bought me time. I did have a talk with my older 3 boys but we all agreed that we would tell princess daddy was working until I could come up with something better. Generally if she doesn't see him for a day or so she gets very whiny and very mean and will not sleep at night etc. She simply adores him.This time, she is fine? So is Mason. It's weird. Its like once he left a peace fell over our home that we all needed. RA comes to visit every 2 or 3 days so its not that bad. 

What bothers me is the difference in how I feel this time. In the past I have felt anger, fury, vengeful, sorrow, pity and every other emotion there is to feel. I have even felt happy and relief at times. But this time I feel nothing. Nothing at all. No anger, no sorrow, no pity, no joy, just nothing. 

This is a weird place for me. I am nowhere, feeling nothing. I have no idea if this is good or bad. Or if I am building up to some major breakdown where all the emotions will come crashing in on me at once. Or if It means that I have truly gotten over what we had. This past 11 days have been hell filled from car trouble to kid issues, to dealing with termites to a suck ass mothers day and now yesterday more great news at the orthodontist (I have to shell out $400 like now) I feel like something may be on the verge of snapping. In a good or bad way I am not sure. It could end up 


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So I'm not sure if all the drama is keeping me so busy  I can't tell. But I just cannot feel. I tried to sit down with myself and feel something, but there is nothing. I am not depressed. I just feel nothing. In a way I guess it's good because feeling nothing means I feel no pain as well but I also can't feel joy. This is weird and I'm not sure if it's good or bad. Have you ever felt this way? How long did  it last? Was it followed by a meltdown or did you just wake up one day and carry on as usual? This is so frustrating.