Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Feeling Nothing....Kinda Scary

It's been 11 days since I separated from the RA. It had been a long time coming. Truthfully we had not been happy together for a long time. We seriously have two completely different views on life. I have a more solid, composed approach and he likes to live life in the minute. While living in the moment can be fun, when you have 6 kids it is neither practical or responsible. And therein lays the great divide. We had separated many times before, usually following a huge let down from him then a nasty fight then silence for a while and then he goes off and has fun being single and responsibility-less while I struggle to keep the kids hearts from breaking. I get stuck having to do all the explaining and having to deal with the emotions of the kids while I am still trying to muddle through my own.
This time was different I had been planning to send him on his way for a while. I feel like I am last priority most of the time and I get sick of competing with his ex, his cousins, his friends, etc. I was trying to give myself time to make sure this is what I really wanted to do. I also was trying to give him time to make it right. He never did. So at the end of April I told him he needed to leave by that Sunday, May 1st. He put up no fight, he asked no questions, he shed no tears, he just went. See, I think he wanted to go anyways. And truthfully I could not put up with his irresponsible shit no more. Come on I have four kids and don't need another one. Not to mention I was carrying all the psychical  and financial responsibilities of the home. So I look at it like this if I'm gonna do it all alone, I might as well be alone. 
This time when he left, the kids had no clue. Since he barely was around anyways it wasn't that hard to just tell them "daddy's working." That bought me time. I did have a talk with my older 3 boys but we all agreed that we would tell princess daddy was working until I could come up with something better. Generally if she doesn't see him for a day or so she gets very whiny and very mean and will not sleep at night etc. She simply adores him.This time, she is fine? So is Mason. It's weird. Its like once he left a peace fell over our home that we all needed. RA comes to visit every 2 or 3 days so its not that bad. 
What bothers me is the difference in how I feel this time. In the past I have felt anger, fury, vengeful, sorrow, pity and every other emotion there is to feel. I have even felt happy and relief at times. But this time I feel nothing. Nothing at all. No anger, no sorrow, no pity, no joy, just nothing. 
This is a weird place for me. I am nowhere, feeling nothing. I have no idea if this is good or bad. Or if I am building up to some major breakdown where all the emotions will come crashing in on me at once. Or if It means that I have truly gotten over what we had. This past 11 days have been hell filled from car trouble to kid issues, to dealing with termites to a suck ass mothers day and now yesterday more great news at the orthodontist (I have to shell out $400 like now) I feel like something may be on the verge of snapping. In a good or bad way I am not sure. It could end up 


So I'm not sure if all the drama is keeping me so busy  I can't tell. But I just cannot feel. I tried to sit down with myself and feel something, but there is nothing. I am not depressed. I just feel nothing. In a way I guess it's good because feeling nothing means I feel no pain as well but I also can't feel joy. This is weird and I'm not sure if it's good or bad. Have you ever felt this way? How long did  it last? Was it followed by a meltdown or did you just wake up one day and carry on as usual? This is so frustrating.


  1. In general I tend to be hyper-emotional (aka drama queen) so I don't think I have ever had that numb feeling. I hope that it passes easily and you don't have to go through a breakdown to start building back up. Maybe it was just time for him to be gone.

  2. Yup, felt like the dam's going to break but it's not quite there yet....hugs to you.

  3. I think you have so many balls in the air that you may need to not feel right now. Do you think if you had a free weekend - no kids and could run away you would think/feel differently?
    I don't know.

    I do think this shows you were so ready to be treated well and without the drama. And let's look at that like a positive. :-)


  4. It sounds like you made the decision at some level long ago. This is just the follow through. Good for you for knowing when to move on. You'll find joy again.

    Once, when I was really low and felt like I was sort of numb, someone recommended I reconnect with my senses--smell the flowers, eat delicious food and focus on the flavors, etc. It was good advice. It got me tapped into basic appreciation and connected with myself again. You might try it.

    Can I just say how admirable it is that you didn't leave him with the kids and just walk away. I would have been tempted--just to see whether he'd step up--but it wouldn't be fair to the kids.

  5. I've been where you're at. For me, feeling nothing was not because I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. It was because I truly had had enough. Rejoice. You're finally free. Get through this last bit as best you can, but know you are NOT falling apart. You're finally picking yourself back up.

  6. Karen- :)

    Lizbeth- But when you got past it....what happened? Did you just resume life as normal or did you lose it for a minute?

    Peg- It prob would help, but being a mom I know that when I am struggling emotionally usually my kids are too, so leaving them alone right now since I never do would prob spook them. But boy wouldn't I love too!

    LET- That's something I've never tried. Trying to get into my senses and what a great time for it, being Spring and all. And thanks for the props b/c I cannot tell you the amount of times I wanted to jet off for a while and see how they handle it.

    Sandra-Thanks for sharing. I hope you are right.

    And to Everyone.....Awwww Thanks.

  7. From personal experience I've felt such an overwhelming amount of emotions my body just shut down from feeling anything. It took a while for the feelings to come to surface.
    We've all been through this type of emotion at some point in our lives. No worries, you'll get through it. Like all the others have said: Hugs 2U. Stay strong.

  8. Well I had previously put a whole reply to everyone on here but it disappeared???
    So let me just say thanks guys for sharing and the advice. I took it all to heart.