Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Where I Stand

I appreciate so many of you listening and reading about my personal life drama over the past few months. Many of you advised me and some even emailed. It is such an honor to know that people I have never met care. 
I am a big fan of the truth and telling it like it is, so in order for me to blog openly about my life I must come clean with something. everyone knows that life with The RA has been less than desirable to say the least. Quite honestly it has been full of turmoil and dysfunction and I have shared that with you all. And then there was the Other Woman. Well that lil chapter was quite a rough one. Its been almost a month so here's where I'm at. 
12 years with the RA and 6 kids between us....that's a lot of history. Truth be told we had been living separate lives for a couple years now. Its kinda like we couldn't stand to be around each other but did not want the finality of ending it because we do truly care about each other.
I have had other relationships during our time together. He never had until this time. I was not mad that he did. Rather shocked and upset that he did not tell me sooner. Anyways after chatting with the other woman and getting all the sordid details, then dealing with the aftermath of the emotions that come with that, I am good. I am really good. For the first time in years RA and I sat down and talked hour, after hour, hour, night after night after night about how we got to that place. For the first time in 12 years we were really honest about our feelings. Naturally he wanted to come home. I of course was unsure about this. 
He has always had the approach that his business is his and mine is mine. Kinda hard to have a relationship that way. I don't wanna be "big brother" but I want to feel secure both financially and emotionally. I do not want to have a man but be a single mom and that's just what I had been.  He has apologized and asked what can be done to repair things. We are getting counseling and he has turned over all his finances to me. I have all the cards and checkbooks. Not to control him but bc his mishandling of money was a huge source of our issues. I also have all the passwords to his facebook, email etc. Not forever but I feel like if he wants to be with me he has to give me full disclosure, make me feel secure. I personally do not see the need to hide ish anyway unless its wrong. So we are working on it. Working on it hard and fast as we realize we are at a point in our lives that it is make it or break it for us. It sounds crazy but this other woman was the best thing that ever happened to us in a lot of ways. 
She made us stop and realize is this really what we want? Do we wanna be apart? Do we wanna be with someone else? Do we want our relationship to  work? We have a beautiful family and a deep connection.
Now that he seems refocused I think we can do this. I know, I can feel the eyes rolling the head shaking the "oh no Roc"s, and believe me I understand. If my girlfriend was going through this the advice I'd be giving her would be totally different than the path I have chosen. But after much reflection I think I gotta give it an honest effort for my families sake. I was raised without a dad and I so want to break that cycle. Does that mean I will put up with anything? No. But honestly I could have given a bit more as well. I have been one cold bitch for a couple years now. I do not want to be that way anymore. 
This is last call for us. We both know it. But the thing that is different this time is usually when we are getting back together it is one of us trying real hard and the other is just along for the ride. Although he has a lot of making up to do with me I am also working on some issues that I may have. I feel positive about this and feel like this is the best decision for me at this point in my life.
So now can I get back to my usual bitching and such?

6 comments:

  1. Hey this may be the time it all works out perfectly. I wish you nothing but love and a drama free life!!! Best of Everything Roc

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  2. Well, here's the thing....we can all sit around and give you advice till your ears fall off but only you know what's best for you and your family. Good luck and keep us posted.

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  3. Life is all about ups and downs. I have been on and off with every single serious relationship I've had. You know what is right for you and we will support you no matter what you chose.

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  4. I am glad that you are not throwing away 12 years. And I guess it's better sleeping with the Devil you know versus the one you don't.

    Good for you chica. I know that if anyone can make it work, you can. I am just seriously hoping he doesn't hurt you again like he did last time.

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  5. 'usual bitching'

    Absolutely.

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  6. No relationship is easy or 100% happy all the time. Go with your instincts on this and I think that will serve you well. :-)

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