Thursday, March 17, 2011

15 Things I Must Clear Up With My Children

1 Marlon- If every teacher hates you, then uh buddy, the problem is you; not all 20 teachers you have had.

2 Michael and Marlon- When you tell me "you'll do it later" I know that means you have no plans to do it at all. In the amount of time you spend negotiating doing it later you could have had it done already!

3 Michael- Nothing. And I mean Nothing is yours. Nothing. You have no job and the last time I checked you were not receiving any financial aid so ummm if you have it, chances are I bought it. Even if I did not buy it is still mine because you are a child, I am a parent, and that's just the way it is. And umm this goes double for "your" bedroom. I do not need to knock to come in. I pay for that bedroom, furnish it and even help clean it. Actually you should have to knock to come out.

4 MalloryJane- Where did you get this silly idea that "if it's mine then it's yours too?" My lipstick, my gum, my pillow etc. Just because we are the only girls around there does not mean that we share everything. I mean seriously when is the last time I borrowed your plastic purple heels?

5 Mason- It can't be someone else's fault every time. It just can't. Not every time. No way. Impossible. What are the odds that you are perfect and the rest of us suck? Slim. So ,man up and take responsibility

6 Mason- If you take less than 5 minutes to do homework,,,hello I am gonna check it for accuracy because I know that means you just wrote some ish down.

7 Marlon- Dinner is dinner and that is it. I consider many things when preparing and planning meals. Costs, nutritional value, time allowances, What Marlon likes is not one of them. So seriously if you approach my table one more time and say "mom you know I hate ham" like that is even relevant you won't eat for days.

8 MalloryJane- Your daddy has other children. Despite your fairytale world you live in you are not his only child. Therefore he can talk to Mason or David or Violet  and you can just clam down about it and not take it so personally.

9 Mason- just because every other 9 year old has a cell phone does not make me a bad mom for not getting you one. It makes me smart.

10 Michael- Can you just find some friends your own damn age? Stop playing football with 3rd graders and getting pissed because they get injured . Duh?

11 MalloryJane- Your dad is actually my man. He is not your husband or boyfriend. I should not have to sit on the other couch because "you and daddy are on this one". And if you suggest I "go sleep in the princess bed" so you and daddy can have my bed one more time well...

12 Marlon- There are other beverages besides Kool Aid you should try some.

13 Michael- Just because you were the first one to play any given song out loud in the home does not make it your song. So stop telling Mason to stop singing your song. You did not write it homeboy.

14 Michael- Just because you are getting an A in a class does not mean that you really don't need to be on time to it, nor does it mean you should jump to honors. 

15 Mason- Just because you can put deodorant on it doesn't mean you can skip washing it. I'm just saying.

Feel free to clear up something with your child here. I'm sure they don't follow my blog.
Well, except you Sue


  1. ....tee hee
    Sorry Mom, I have to agree with Marlon on 1 thing though....I LOVE KOOL-AID. RED!!!

    Gin in Red Kool-Aid is fabulous!!

    Hey don't knock it till you've tried it on a hot summer day and you've run out of all other chasers and you're broke. You'll see. Back in 1983 I discovered this fun treat. :-)

  2. Ha! You could probably go on all day with these!

  3. Well...just because you can pee standing up and do the hulla with you penis while peeing doesn't mean you should be doing it. I'm tired of pee being on the wall, the floor and all around the toliet. I didn't do it doesn't live here, own up and clean up your mess.

  4. This cracked me up! I always use the "our" concept. My brother or my dad owns something, it means I own it too. That goes from everything from the dogs to the vacation homes to clothes.

    Anyway, I took that particular Mallory Jane one to heart.

  5. Oh my, we live parallel lives. Only I have less kids and no man! My girlie thinks everything I own is hers and I am so using the purple heels thing on her! My boy is all yours rolled into one, sigh.