Thursday, September 23, 2010

Ten Things I Learned About Middle School Football

Yesterday was my sons first football game ever! I thought I would share with you all some very valuable things I learned yesterday. It was an away game and it was held 45 minutes away at a local park. When we arrived at this park the players were dressing in the parking lot b/c there were no locker rooms. ?!? We walked down this looong concrete trail that led to the field. The cost to get in for me and my son was $10.
Lesson #1- It costs a ridiculous amount for me to sit miserably in the hot sun on some dirty bleachers, and when I bring all my kids it will be $20 entry cost!

Let me say here that if you are the parent of a sports playing child your ass should get in free. Especially when you have driven 45 minutes to get there and the accommodations suck. But anyway our schools section was about another mile around the track/field. The home team was conveniently located right inside the gate. About 5 steps in. It was 95 degrees so after the mile walk to the field and now the half mile walk to our teams section I was drenched in sweat.
Lesson #2 The images of freezing moms wearing parkas and toboggans wrapped in blankets drinking hot cocoa are not to be confused with North Carolinas Football season.

 I asked where the restrooms were located and was directed to one lone port a john on the other side of the field another 1/2 mile this too was conveniently located near the home team. As was the snack bar or rather water bottle and skittles table. 
Lesson #3 Apparently the golden rule to give your guests your best does not apply at these events.

When I made it to our teams section I noticed our one set of bleachers was out in the middle of the hot ass sun, there was no shade on our side at all. The home team had a lovely fenced In shaded two bleacher section conveniently close to both the  bathroom
 and the snack bar. 

Lesson #4 The snacks and restroom accommodations at these games SUCK!

No scoreboard , no cheerleaders, no announcing any ones name?? Upon arriving on the field I heard the opposing teams players say "where is Fuquay (our team) they need to hurry up so we can beat their asses". It was difficult for me not to say "oh they are changing in your lovely parking lot and will be here as soon as they walk the frickin mile to get here, providing that they don't have to all line up to go potty one at a damn time" But I didn't. Let me explain that our opposing team is a wealthy snobby town called "Cary" and they treated us like the poor trash we were. All of these undesirable conditions made me wonder where our tax dollars were going, or our fundraisers. Can we not afford a tree, or a bench for our players, or a megaphone so we can hear? 
Lesson #5- Maybe I should get more involved at my schools and make some changes.

And this is the well to do school. Hmmm. By the way I know our school field sucks too but it equally sucks for home and visitors and we have locker rooms and toilets. So there!

Let me say that I know NOTHING about football. Okay, I know that you gotta get the ball from one side to the other without being tackled more than four times and when you get it there thats called a touchdown. I know if you catch the other teams ball that is an interception and very good apparently but other than that, no clue. 
Lesson #6- I need to obtain a copy of Football for Dummies by next Wednesday.

So I just clapped when my bleacher partners clapped and grumbled when they grumbled. Whenever we had the ball I screamed, and when the other team had it I yelled "take em down!" That seemed to fit in.
Lesson #7- If you have no clue act like you do and no one will know. 

My hands were dry and sore from clapping, throat was hoarse from screaming, ass was sore from sitting, and clothes were drenched from sweating. I'm getting old. But despite all that I had a blast. Just imagine all the fun I could have had if I knew what the hell was going on. Therefore my goal this week will be to learn about football. 
Lesson #8- I am getting old

Anyhoo, we whipped their ass. Ha Ha. We whipped their ass with no shade, no restroom, no hospitality. Ha Ha! The game ended at 545p and the sad little snobs sat there in the grass getting a good chewing out by the coach. Ha Ha. 
Lesson #9 Victory is Sweet Justice!

Bonus Lesson #10- If you win you are golden but if you lose the whole world hates you, including your parents. Sad


  1. Very good post Roc and here's to the ass whipping your boys gave them. Cheers Roc!!

  2. Sounds like they were giving you the ole southern hospitality eh?

    I am so glad you kicked their asses!!

    Cary as in near Raleigh?
    (Boy do i have story for you about a couple from there who rented our lake house.)

    it's fall when will the 90's f-ing end?
    today is high 90's again.
    This is wrong in every way!!

  3. Matt-Man- Thanks for that, lets hope I do not have to eat humble pie next week.

    Peg- Yes that is the place. Im just gonna email you.

  4. Damn. We take our football kind of seriously here. The little kids have fields with lights and fans have fancy padded seats. Let's hope this was a fluke and the other teams are more hospitable!

  5. Karma's a bitch...looks like she came for a visit to the home team, lol!

    I'm not sure what the youth leagues are like here either since my oldest has absoultely no desire to play sports. I specifically named him COOPER cause I thougth that would be a cool name to yell from the bleachers "c'mon coop, get your ass in gear"..that sort of I suppose take it with a grain of salt...and remember next week to bring your cushion, umbrella, snacks and a rather large water bottle and then bring along your other kids and make them carry all that to your destination since you have to pay to get them know..get your money's worth! LOL!

  6. Did I miss something or did your son the football team member have to PAY to get in? WTF!

  7. In response to "If you win you are golden but if you lose the whole world hates you, including your parents"....this is the motto in our home to that attitude when the kids lose: "If you're not a winner, what are you?" And this is the part where the kids have their fragile self-esteemed trampled by intolerant mother...they get to respond "a loser..." ...see, puts everything into perspective. Now they are too crushed to hate the parents.
    Great post though, I thoroughly enjoyed the point form recap!

  8. My new lesson: I'm glad I have a non-athletic son so I may never have to endure this special type of hell! Ack! Glad y'all won. :-)

  9. Karen- Apparently our town is huge on football season too but maybe just a bit low on funds? I hear it gets better in high school.

    Sandra- I know, I know. I did kinda feel bad for the poor losers though. After all they are just kids. I also think about the fact that they eat lunch at 11am and then go all the way to 8pm without food. Where are they supposed to get energy from,,,these are growing boy's for god's sake? I only stuck my tongue out at the one who was cursing before our team arrived.

    Chandra- All good advice. Sorry Ole' Coop ain't living up to his name but you never know kids evolve all the time.

    Mike- No, not my son but his mom and siblings which I think is odd since we kinda have to be there and we are supporting the team. Our coach wasn't very loud. If it wasn't for us screaming moms threatening to take video games away they maybe woulda lost. They only got serious in the last quarter when our threats became serious.

    ETW- I have a non athlete son too. Dance recitals are much cuter but that football shit was FUN.