Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Warning: Animal Lovers...Skip This Post

This post will serve two fold.
One- To give you a glimpse into my suck-ass weekend.
Two- To explain to you why we are not allowed to have pets. EVER!

Part One- Kicked off with my encounter with the neighbor. Read about that here. Generally, my two oldest boys go to dads for the weekend and I enjoy a much needed break because by the time the weekend rolls around I am usually toast. Every now and again my kids will request to stay home. Well this has been the case for the past 3 weekends. I have obliged them and so again this weekend they begged to stay home. After much begging I gave in and let them stay. Then the begging began to have a sleepover with their two buddies. I gave in. Because of the delay at the neighbors I had to phone RA (resident asshole) to bring home dinner because now it was close to 9p and I had to take the friends to retrieve their belongings and apparently my kid needed some batteries for the video game remotes. 

My instructions to RA was "bring  lots of pizza FAST!" That call was placed at 830p. AT 930p no pizza. I called RA again to ask how much longer it would be and he said another 30minutes WTF! We  are dying over here.40 minutes later I called RA to find out how much longer. 

In this convo he told me he had  a surprise when he got there and I wouldn't be happy. What's new? Not being a big fan of surprises I pestered him until, quite proud of himself, he informed me he had picked up a stray puppy off the highway and was bringing him home. "HELL NO YOU AIN'T!"  I screamed said nicely. "Why not?" He stupidly asked.
Because "Motherfucker I already have 4 kids to contend with all by my lonesome and you wanna give me more responsibility! Hell No! And I cannot afford a dog! Those bastards are expensive.! And I do not want a dog! And the dog probably has fleas, ticks , worms god knows what else! And having a pet would have me in violation of my lease! And I hate barking! And I hate the smell of dog! And... well you get the point.

He replied by telling me I never appreciate anything. And if he wants to get his kids a pet he will. Period! Really? Did he just period me? Oh hell naw! Let me provide you with our pet history so you can understand why I feel this way.

Pet #1- Gerbil- died 10 days after we brought it home and spent $200 on a lavish cage, toys, feed etc.
Kid got depressed had to buy another.

Pet #2- Gerbil #2- Replacement Gerbil from Pet Smart since the first one they gave us died within the 14 day guarantee. 15 days and $80 dollars later this gerbil died. Kid got depressed and mom cried for two hours. This gerbil had a genetic disease that wasn't caught in time. Sad. sad. sad.

Pet#3- Bird- Lovely bird- About $200 and several months later I got pregnant and was not supposed to clean the cage. I asked RA to do it. He took the bird outside and hosed out the cage and bird! Bird Died. Angry mom, sad kids. RA took no responsibility for this. We didn't talk to him for a month almost.

Pet #4- Baby Duck- We found this duck just wandering in our front yard. Took ducky boy outside to run in the grass with kids and a fucking hawk swooped down and carried him away right before our eyes. Terrorized mom and kids. We were all fucked up behind this.

Pet #5- Baby Chipmunk recovered from RA's job site. 50 dollars and 2 days later, died. Who knows why? I suspected it committed suicide.

Pet #6- 4 Fish- Toddler decided to feed the fish herself and 3 died.

Pet #7- Hermit crab- Lived 4 years.. 
So now we think "we got this" and got ourselves a cat.

Pet #8 -KeKe the cat. Got from a lady outside my daycare with a box of kittens.  Turns out Kitty was flea infested, which led to fleas in the house. Also we could not afford to get the cat fixed but the jacked up cat pusher lovely kitty sales lady gave us a coupon for $20 spay/neuter treatment. Awesome! Problem is the coupon could not be honored for some BS reason and there were no funds for discounted treatment. Full price spay/neuter between $200-$300 dollars. Not in the budget at all. So after spending  about $500 dollars to unflea our home and cat and provide her with some necessities like a bed, toys, litter etc. She humped everything and everyone RA said she had to go. I put up a fight and was able to keep her an addition 6 months but I had a baby due soon and he was worried about the cat messing with the baby. I loved KeKe, when she wasn't humping things she was an evil bitch. She hissed and swiped at everything and everybody,(except me) She did not  like to bothered and she was perfect for me. But eventually it was bye-bye kitty. I was really sad about getting rid of KeKe. And very bitter so RA and I agreed no more pets period. We were not good pet owners apparently and if KeKe couldn't stay then no one could.

Because of the cat incident, due to other circumstances RA and I soon separated and he moved out. It was amazing how much cleaner my house was, and how long things like toilet paper, soap, and soda lasted. Life was good. Until Easter when RA came to visit his kids and decided a great Easter gift would be a box of ducks!!! WTF!!! I was LIVID.

Pet #9- Box of ducks- I was outraged, angry, pissed off infuriated. He did not ask me and we had agreed  no pets! And where the hell were these ducks gonna live indoors? He had already showed them to the kids and they of course were in love with all the ducks. I tried sending the ducks away with RA but the kids cried and cried. So the ducks won, but sadly they would lose soon. We had no proper duck facilities as most people do not. So for now in my kitchen of all places we had a fucking duck zoo!

I went out and spent $70 on heating lamps, a pool, feed, and chippings etc. That night my daughter came in my room at 2am (she was 2) to tell me "the duck was hurt"in her two year old way she explained that she had picked the duck up and the duck had pecked her on the nose, and it hurt so she dropped it and it wasn't moving. I got up horrified to what I might find. There in the pool/home lay a dead duckling. The other duck was going crazy, with fear I'm sure. My daughter was screaming "I'm sorry I'm sorry" my 8 year old was awaken by this he came out and realized what had happened and screamed at her "Malley you killed the duck! Murderer!" He was crying, she was crying. I was crying. I called RA and he seemed to think it was no big deal. We had the hugest fight. I mean Fuck dude! I have a dead duck, a sad crazy duck a screaming toddler an angry 8 year old and I am done!

I boxed up the surviving duck and headed to the spot "A tractor store" where RA had purchased them. I thought if I explained to these lovely duck people that I had researched and a duck was an extremely inappropriate gift for a 2 year old and we had killed one in 24 hours that they would take back this last duck and save his life. Nope They didn't want the duck back. When I asked the redneck farmer what to do with the duck he said "well I'd give er a couple months then cook er" GASP. I covered my children's ears and I gave him a piece of my mind. He told me that the other duck would die of being lonely "so either cook er or git er a buddy." The kids began to cry again. So I bought another???I know, I know but I was tired and desperate. Within a few days however I found a lovely farm to adopt all the lovely ducks. My kids hated me and I once again was the bad guy but the ducks were gone and safe both from ovens and 2 year olds.

I told RA if he ever brought home another living thing I would kill him.

Which brings me back to Friday night. He is on the way home with a puppy.
Stay tuned


  1. So...Are you saying in this instance with Friday in mind, that anytime a puppy is brought home, a human dies? I think I kinda like that. Cheers Roc!!

  2. wow this confused the hell out of me. RA lives with you and wants to bring home a puppy for his kids but your kids were suppose to go to their fathers? HUH?

    I say no to the pets.
    I have a perfect one who doesn't even bark - ever - and is extremely well trained and it is a lot of work!! Seriously like having another child.

    i think you are right! Stick to your guns.

    You strike me as a strong woman - what the hell are you doing being bulldozed by someone who is not an equal partner?

    Go Raq!

  3. Matt-Man- YOu made me LOL for real. I really laughed out loud. You are FUNNY!

    Peg- Its complicated and dysfunctional all rolled into one. I was married with 2 kids, RA was married with 2 kids. We got together and had 2 more kids. In my home is my 4 biological kids. RA sometimes lives here and every few months he does dumb shit like bring home a random dog so I throw him out. And don't worry I do not get bulldozed. As you will see here soon with my future posts.

  4. Good lord you have the bad luck with animals jinx... I mean a HAWK came down and carried it off??? Holy Crap!

  5. Doc- Yes seriously, I guess it was a hawk. It was a big as hell bird. And this is exactly why I'm not allowing animals in my home. In the famous words of Bill Evangel "heres your sign"

    Mike- I figured as much :(

  6. Holy cow...I'm continuing onto Part 2...can't wait (you see I'm a little behind!)...I'm thinking you and pets are not a good match! :0