Thursday, October 14, 2010
Explaining the RA- THE BAD
So as time went on we had a few split ups but always managed to get back together. There were good times and bad. Good was I never had a man be so loving and affectionate, our kids got along well. Bad- we both had ex spouses to contend with and our differences were becoming a little less cherishable and a bit more profound. The biggest difference was our parenting styles. I am a sarcastic, yet strict parent with a no nonsense approach. I hold my kids accountable and set expectations for them. He was an "understanding" parent that could wave away any bad behavior with an excuse and took the approach of being "friends" with his kids. This was mostly a problem when his kids would visit because I was constantly overcompensating for his lack of parenting and I became the bad guy.We discussed this on many occasions and he felt that since he didn't have his kids all the time he did not want to spend what little time he had with them disciplining them. I say Cop Out! Because guess what? Those two kids now 14 and 13, smoke, have tattoos, have been arrested, and barely attend school. However I must say when they are around me they are very respectful and well behaved.
Three years in David and I had a son. He was a wonderful and loving father to Mason as I knew he would be. We were happy for a while but that didn't last. We would split up and then couldn't stand to be apart so we'd get back together. This happened about once a year.
Other issues Money. Money Money Money. I had gotten a good job as a divisional supervisor and basically the head of an up and coming company. My pay exploded. I was making more money in a week than I had previously made in a month. So I began to have dreams, goals etc. He, well he was perfectly happy just getting by. I had gotten him a job that tripled his pay as well but with all the new money he had he was moved to spend it lavishly on his kids, and his other family members. He was always tryna save someone from his old "hood". This too created a huge divide within us. I didn't need his money to support my family but thought he should contribute more at home and a lil less in the hood. Since I was doing just dandy financially on my own I started feeling like maybe this wasn't gonna work for me. Seriously we had two completely different views on life. So every time he would piss me off or not come through on a bill I put that ass out. I threw him out about every three months. It was sad and dysfunctional yes, but I liked the fact that I didn't need a man for shit and I wanted him to be well aware of that too.
Looking back our biggest struggle was the kids. The fact that he couldn't seem to enjoy any time with my kids without reflecting on his own. For example if we went to the beach with my kids the whole time we were there he would be sulking because he wanted his kids to come too.We did things with his kids, with all the kids but sometimes I just wanted to enjoy my own kids. I grew sick of this quick. He made me feel like me and my kids were just second choice and if he could have his way he would rather be somewhere with his kids. His moods were dreary often and he would often say how he'd made a mistake moving here and he should have done things differently. So basically he was constantly letting me know he wasn't happy. Too add to all this his ex wife had lost her fucking marbles and had taken up with some dude that was whopping her ass. Her kids were being neglected. I on many occasions offered to have them live with us. But David didn't want his kids to have to leave their friends...Ugggh. See what I was dealing with? I was in a lose-lose situation. So our problems grew and grew. while he struggled with his guilt about not living with his kids (which by the way he wasn't when I met him) and I struggled with trying to make a relationship work with someone who really didn't seem interested.
When it became to much I sent him back. back to his hometown. His kids were still not being properly cared for and his depressing moods were ruining my life and my kids were affected too. They would notice and ask "why is David only happy when his kids are here?" "How come we only go to the park when David's kids visit?" Stuff like that. Once I realized my kids were being affected by this I sent him back. That way he could go take care of his kids and we (my kids and I) could move on and get this depressing bullshit outta our lives. Problem was we couldn't stand to be apart. So back he came. And we spent the next few years living like that. Couldn't be happy together and couldn't be happy apart.