Friday, October 15, 2010
Explaining the RA- THE UGLY
So the dysfunction continued on for a few more years. Pretty much more of the same drama. Don't get me wrong, I was not perfect but he was impossible. I pretty much wore the pants and I knew it. I am the type of person who isn't big on affection. Not a huge fan of hugs, kisses, hand holding etc. But David was. And he taught me to be more affectionate but the problem is once I have revealed that side to you and you let me down I feel very vulnerable therefore I become unwilling and even unable to be affectionate. That I was... cold. We would have sex but the kissing was out and I didn't really care to have him touch me. We still had sex but it was cold and unfeeling. Psychically it was still good but emotionally it was empty. And soon sex with him left me feeling empty. That was a huge issue for him. We were in a vicious cycle. He needed affection to do right, I needed him to do right so that I could be affectionate comfortably. Neither of us would budge so there you have it.
Now here's the ugly part. David had a car accident and was put on some serious meds. These meds made him a complete and total ass. He was whiny, rude, loud, and obnoxious. He would flare up at anything and mostly me. Now don't go getting an image in your head of me being all emotionally and verbally abused. Hell Naw! Him becoming verbally abusive just meant that we fought like hell all the time. I can hold my own just so you know. However since he had always been so kind and caring it was super hard to understand and adjust to this new Asshole.
To make matters worse the company I worked for got sold. I was brought on as a Project Manager for a new construction company but in less than a year that place went belly up. I was unemployed!! After my initial shock and panic subsided I realized that when you make a good income unemployment rocked! My unemployment checks were pretty damn good and I also got to be paid to stay at home with my kids. Life was grand. But then I discovered a tinsy problem...baby #4. Soon unemployment stopped and David was now the sole provider. Remember he is horrible with money. But after me being the boss of him and everyone else for years and years he relished in his new role as the provider. Yet he totally sucked at it. The mixture of meds and an inflated ego made him a complete and total disaster, I suspect this was probably the only time in his life when he was the boss.
He now had total control of everything. I was horribly nauseated during the pregnancy and mostly slept and felt sorry for myself I kinda checked out of life a little bit. I wasn't depressed yet I could really care less. I did take care of my kids and saw to it that I volunteered lots at their schools and I was around more but I my was no basket of cherries. David trying to be a Big Billy Bad Ass took over all the bills and financial decisions. Since he was the only one contributing cash into the house he felt he had that right. Problem was he fucked up our bills so bad that by the time I found out we were months behind in everything and there wasn't shit I could do. Whenever I brought it up he would get defensive and angry and say I was putting him down and treating him like a child. Honestly I kinda was because I could not understand how the hell he had fucked up our finances so bad. This is where our financial hell began. So do the math...6 kids, 2 ex spouses, 1 unemployed parent and months of debt, a brand new baby = failing relationship.Dashboard