Wednesday, October 20, 2010

The RA- Bringing It Full Circle

Problem was he had a good job here in Raleigh and he was now living in Roanoke Rapids, that's about a two hour trip one way. So he was splitting his time between the two households. He would stay there a couple days/nights then stay here with me and my kids. I soon noticed that he was with me most weekdays and there most weekends. Sound familiar? Yes this is again where we were the last time I had had enough.

Realizing that I did not want to continue on this way. I asked him to just focus his time and efforts with his teens and stay away for a while. He could come visit our kids but I needed space from him. This went on for two to three months. And then he confessed he could not take it anymore. He couldn't stay away from me and our kids. He wanted to come back. I was not ready for him to come back. He said he couldn't continue on the way he was. The drive was killing him, being away from our kids was killing him. He started crashing at my place more and more. So now he was staying with me and paying bills somewhere else! Hell no that would not work so I gave him a set amount to pay each week to offset the cost of him being there in addition to his child support. And that is how we carried on.

Where are we now? In some ways we are and I'm afraid always will be in a lot of the same predicaments. He will always be horrible with money and will always feel regret for whatever mistakes he made before meeting me. I have decided to let as much of that go as I can. I no longer feel sorry for his pain. I no longer feel bad when my kids go somewhere and his kids do not. I no longer tolerate him going away for the weekend. I feel if he has somewhere to crash for the weekend he should  able to stay there full time. Our finances are currently separate and a lot of our lives are lived separately as well.

We do spend time together as a couple and as a family. But we are just not defining what we have.I think that is because neither of us want to or have a clue what this is. Our facebook statuses say single and if  you ask me what I am I would say single. I bet he does the same. But if either of us was to start something somewhere else there would be trouble. So I think we have agreed to stay miserably together for now. I am planning to have  a nice discussion about this very soon.

He does act like more of a family guy than he was. He helps out around the house and spends time with me and the kids. Last weekend his kids came to stay with us and he is paying more. But I'm afraid its just not enough. He asked me if I would be open to getting married within the year. (I'm not) And has spoke of joining accounts and living like normal couples but I do not know what I want. I mean I want him but all his drama...well I'm kinda over that. Now that everyone knows the real deal, I'll post updates here and there.


  1. my hope for you Raq is that you see what you need and what your children need to see as an example of way to have a loving relationship.

  2. All couples have their problems - you have to decide if this one is worth your time. Trial run with joining accounts for a month or two? That might help you see where things are headed. Any relationship is work, work, work. But there should also be lots of good times to offset the work part. :-) {{{Hugs}}}

  3. My husband and I had joint accounts. No problem, but, we started out young and neither had problems handling money.

    I would probably have a joint account for the household expenses and keep a separate savings account for myself, because you know when he leaves you, you will not be able to count on him for support.

  4. PEG & Linda- I know, I know.

    ETW- Thank you for my first virtual hug :)

    Charlene- That is the plan

  5. hmmm....just reading your response to me.
    I think you may have taken that wrong. I sincerely meant i hope you find what you are looking for because your post seemed sad.