Tuesday, October 19, 2010

RA-And Away He Went- Part 4

As soon as I could I headed back to work. I mean ASAP. Like, on the day my baby turned 6 weeks old; because that is the youngest a daycare would take her. Now before anyone gets all judgey on me She did and still does attend one of the most awesome daycare centers. I was saddened to leave princess behind to go to work but you gotta do what you gotta do. In a way work was a stress reliever. Just getting out of the cycle of sitting home wearing sweat pants and pondering all your problems all day helped. The pay however was back down to the 1/3 I was making before. Uggh! But we needed every penny obviously. It was also nice to not have to ask the RA to purchase things like tampons for me. Yes, I enjoy picking out my own tampons.

After losing a job, having another baby and dealing with RA and debt issues I was over the whole thing with RA. I just now wanted to focus again on me and my kids and making some sort of decent life for them outta the mess I was in. So basically we were now living separately together. I found myself right back in the same situation I had exscaped in my marriage. Except now I was in no mood for any of the RA's Drama. Instead of bringing his kids to visit our home like they had for the past 8 years, he would now go away on most  weekends to "spend time with his kids". Which in itself opened up a whole new can of worms. I quickly became bitter to that fact that again when he was home he was miserable and as soon as the weekend hit he was off to be with his kids. We were living separate lives. I suspected maybe he was doing more than visiting his kids on weekends, if you know what I mean. At the every least he was enjoying downtime away from our responsibilities and I was not happy about it. After a while I just didn't care what he did anymore and actually stopped talking to him period. Oh, I would ask him to pass the salt at dinner or to bathe his daughter but other than that there was silence and animosity between the two of us.

I provided him with an ultimatum about his weekend excursions and he didn't heed my warnings so I decided to have some fun of my own if you know what that means. After having a couple months of fun myself I think he recalled the fact that this is how he and I got together and he decided to straighten up and fly right for a while. Since my fun was just that, fun it was easy to cut that off when I felt that it was the appropriate time.

 We sat down and had a huge conversation where I basically informed him that I was tired of the roller coaster ride with him and was so fed up. I began to realize that this cycle was not going end and my actions, although helping me feel better at the time, were not putting me in a better predicament. I hated that I had fallen back into this raggedy ass life that I had already escaped once before. I did not make enough money at the time to support four kids so I began some hard and careful soul searching. I had already talked to my ex husband about getting the boys and I was prepared to to give up all my possessions and check into a shelter with my two little kids and just hit rock bottom by myself and start over. Sometimes we can fuck life up so bad that the only reasonable option is to scrap the life we have and start over. I did not want to end it, just change it. I love my kids too much for that. I just wanted this crazy cycle of hell to end. I wanted my kids to have a healthy and happy home life. Not one full of silence and resentment.He knew I was serious. He know me.RA turned back into David. He finished tiling my kitchen floor that he started and hadn't completed since last year. He painted my hall , kitchen and entry ways. He returned to his practice of giving me daily massages. The lavish meals came back too. He was even taking the kids out to games and playing with them more and more.Things improved lots. As an added bonus he even gave me control over his finances so that I could try to get us out of the mess we were in.

That was January. Around February his ex became a loser again. This was a pattern for her. She'd have a good year or so then go into "who gives a fuck mode". His kids were not attending school and Child Family Welfare was now involved. He wanted me to let his now outta control teens come live with us but I said No. I had many reasons for that decision, mostly I didn't feel like it was a good idea to have my kids influenced by his kids lifestyle. Nor would I stand for some of the things both him and his ex had.  I knew trying to step in now and raise two teens that have been buck wild for the majority of their lives would not be good for any of us. Them, me, or my kids. Due to the divide in mine and RA's relationship and the fact that he had been visiting them  their hometown for the past year or two I had a broken connection with the kids. They still called me mom and I love them but I know my boundaries and for me to have stepped in as their"primary parent" with little to no support from their real parents and start raising them Raquel Style I knew would be disastrous. At one point I felt bad for them and began to consider it. I thought about the added income, No more child support payments. I thought about the ways our relationship could grow without the drama of the ex wife. I thought maybe with his kids here he could relax and enjoy our family.  But after a discussion with RA about some ground rules it was clear to me that he wouldn't S0 I figured fuck it. Your problem. When things for his kids got worse he gave me an ultimatum, Either they come here or he would have to go live there. So I picked "you go". And he  away went. Again.


  1. Trying to figure out this timeline...reading past posts it would seem he's sill around, and ahem, spends the night...so tell us more! How did you fix things?

  2. "work was a stress reliever" ........ WHAT!?

  3. I can't imagine how frustrating all this must be. I hope things get better soon.

  4. Chandra- yes he is still around and yes, we sleep togther...Remember in post #1 I explained what a great lover he is, thats hard to find.

    To all- The last post explaining where we are now was posted today. So that will wrap up this sad dysfunctional mess and I can get back to complaining about my coworkers, neighbors and poor customer service. I just have always intentionally left him out of my blogging and then realized I'm missing out on some good material by doing that. So I gave everyone the background so maybe when I seem unreasonable you will all understand why.