PART 3- LOCKED OUT

So I just got rid of the dog , settled into my bubble bath when the doorbell rings. I throw on my robe and open the front door to see the two kids that took the dog away only less than an hour ago. They were standing there holding the dog looking sad.
The oldest said "uh we have a problem"
"Mom didn't go for it huh?"
"No that's not it; our neighbor is a vet and he checked the dog out, this dog has problems."You're telling me I thought.  "He has fleas, ticks, WORMS, and some other illness" the boy said. 


So basically this is a dead dog walking! Awesome! So I screamed, yes literally screamed "RA come get your dog!" RA comes to the door and says "I told you to let me do it my way but no you had to get all involved." As  if to insinuate that had he given away the dog the dog would not have all these ailments.  Are you serious asshole? I had to "get all involved?" Well thank god I did because you just exposed all my kids and home to fleas, ticks, worms and whatever-hell-else this dog has!


Of course this is exactly what I predicted would be the case with the dog so I had to do a few I-told-you-sos which really pissed him off but I did not give a fuck. He said "fine I'll get rid of the dog tomorrow." No actually dick head you will get rid of the dog tonight.


So he loaded up the doggy and rolled out all pissed. It was 730p. Good, now I got rid of the dog and the man. Awesome. I returned happily to my bath. Except I was feeling really fucked up about the dog. It must be suffering. And that is really sad to have all that going on. But there is no way I can afford to fix that dog and do not even want the dog. And if I was gonna get a dog it would not be an eat-your-kids-face-off dog. 

Evidemce of my eat-your-face-off accusations

This is the kinda guy that I would think owns a pit bull

Not quite the image I am going for.
 8pm, 9pm, 10pm, 11pm  Still no RA and no dog. Hmmm. I decided to give RA a call to see what the hold up was, He did not answer so I decided to give him another 52 calls. Still no answer. On the last call I left a message that he should just make a night of whatever he was up to because I was going to bed and did not wanna be disturbed. He has no key to my home. (I took it away when we separated in March and quite frankly like that he cannot get in without me there) 12am still no RA, 
1245am, Ra is knocking on my window. I cracked my window and asked innocently 
"What can I do ya fer?" 
"Let me in Roc" he says
"Where's the dog?" I asked
"Gone" he said
'Where?" I say
"What do you care?"
"I really don't. So where the fuck you been for 5 hours not answering your phone?"
"Look you wanted the dog gone and its gone"
"Repeat. Where the fuck you been for 5 hours not answering your phone?!"
"You don't care about me anyway so what do you care? Hell, I don't even have a key!"
"Well mister that is because you are irresponsible and don't answer your phone, and do dumb things like bringing a sick flea infested animal into my home."
"That's BS!"
"Whatever now please step away from the window so I can return to sleep"
"No! Open up now, I'm not playing!"
"Oh did you think I was?"
I shut the window and he knocked again. I called his cell
"Hello" he said irritated 
"OH now you answer your phone?"
"Are you gonna let me in or not?"
"Not!" I say then hang up
RA knocked a bit more than crashed out in his car.
I slept awesome minus one man and one dog.

Stay tuned

PART 2- The Dog

So it's after 10p Friday night. RA despite my objections is on the way home with a puppy he found on the highway. I am in a panic. Because its late and I already had to deal with the  neighbor and 4 teenage boys, plus two other kids and I do not wanna fight but I also really do not want a stray dog running around my house for all the reasons I posted here. I call my friend who has helped me with my past animal issues and she says to me"Lock him out!" "Whatever you do do not let him in with that dog!" I begin to run through the house locking all the doors but then it occurred to me that if he knocked the kids would let him in and we had company, so maybe a lockout wasn't such an appropriate idea. So I decided to stand out in the middle of the road and stop him before he entered our driveway.

Although for a moment I thought he was gonna run me over. I played it real tough, didn't even flinch. He stopped his car in the middle of the road, got out handed me 4 pizza boxes and got back in his car and simply went around me, pulled into the driveway and got out. I said "is there a dog in that car?"

"Sure is" he said
"Well Do not bring that dog into the house. If you try I will be forced to get into a psychical altercation with you and you will call the cops on me and I will go to jail  in front of my kids and their friends and they will forever be traumatized thanks to you and that dog."
He rolled his eyes and I went in, He stayed out.


We have a walk out deck/gazebo on the back of our house. I peered through the windows to see that he was setting up house for the doggy on the porch. No! Its a porch not a dog house! As long as the dog did not come in and spread fleas all over my  house I guess I could live for now.


He thinks I don't know but he snuck the dog in and gave him a bath in my bathtub. Gross! But he waited until 3am to do it when I was fast asleep. But I still know. I always know. The next morning I awoke to all my kids sitting out on the porch playing with the dog. That's when I noticed it was a Pitt Bull aka eat-your-kids-face-off kinda dog. The dog was growling at people and acting a fool so I reminded RA that the dog needed to go today. 


He loaded up the puppy and headed out. 6 hours later he returned. I assumed he had gotten rid of the dog. He portrayed that he had. But then I saw the puppy running around out back! 
Fuck! Are you kidding me? I began to go off again but he swore he had someone coming to get the dog in a few days. Bullshit! While we were out arguing the two boys from the previous night walked up heard us arguing and then asked me if they could have the dog. I said "hell yeah!" I asked if their mom would go for it and they said yes she loves strays. I could not have been more happy! I packed that pup up so quick and they headed away. I felt good. Two teenage boys would be the perfect home for the dog and the dog was gone. Yahoo!! 


RA saw me packing the dog up and started saying  "you cant just get rid of my dog!" 
"My dog?!?!? I thought it was for the kids. And I thought you were getting rid of the dog liar!" "I knew it!" I said "if your mystery dog retriever shows up before these boys make it to the stop sign then you can give him away other that that delay is done." 


I felt super satisfied. Ran me a bubble bath, pured a glass of wine and settled in the tub finally able to relax about that dog. Just as I lowered by body into the lavish bubbles...DING DONG!

Oh HELL No!
Stay tuned to see who's at the door.

Warning: Animal Lovers...Skip This Post

This post will serve two fold.

One- To give you a glimpse into my suck-ass weekend.

Two- To explain to you why we are not allowed to have pets. EVER!

Part One- Kicked off with my encounter with the neighbor. Read about that here. Generally, my two oldest boys go to dads for the weekend and I enjoy a much needed break because by the time the weekend rolls around I am usually toast. Every now and again my kids will request to stay home. Well this has been the case for the past 3 weekends. I have obliged them and so again this weekend they begged to stay home. After much begging I gave in and let them stay. Then the begging began to have a sleepover with their two buddies. I gave in. Because of the delay at the neighbors I had to phone RA (resident asshole) to bring home dinner because now it was close to 9p and I had to take the friends to retrieve their belongings and apparently my kid needed some batteries for the video game remotes. 

My instructions to RA was "bring  lots of pizza FAST!" That call was placed at 830p. AT 930p no pizza. I called RA again to ask how much longer it would be and he said another 30minutes WTF! We  are dying over here.40 minutes later I called RA to find out how much longer. 

In this convo he told me he had  a surprise when he got there and I wouldn't be happy. What's new? Not being a big fan of surprises I pestered him until, quite proud of himself, he informed me he had picked up a stray puppy off the highway and was bringing him home. "HELL NO YOU AIN'T!"  I screamed said nicely. "Why not?" He stupidly asked.

Because "Motherfucker I already have 4 kids to contend with all by my lonesome and you wanna give me more responsibility! Hell No! And I cannot afford a dog! Those bastards are expensive.! And I do not want a dog! And the dog probably has fleas, ticks , worms god knows what else! And having a pet would have me in violation of my lease! And I hate barking! And I hate the smell of dog! And... well you get the point.

He replied by telling me I never appreciate anything. And if he wants to get his kids a pet he will. Period! Really? Did he just period me? Oh hell naw! Let me provide you with our pet history so you can understand why I feel this way.

Pet #1- Gerbil- died 10 days after we brought it home and spent $200 on a lavish cage, toys, feed etc.

Kid got depressed had to buy another.

Pet #2- Gerbil #2- Replacement Gerbil from Pet Smart since the first one they gave us died within the 14 day guarantee. 15 days and $80 dollars later this gerbil died. Kid got depressed and mom cried for two hours. This gerbil had a genetic disease that wasn't caught in time. Sad. sad. sad.

Pet#3- Bird- Lovely bird- About $200 and several months later I got pregnant and was not supposed to clean the cage. I asked RA to do it. He took the bird outside and hosed out the cage and bird! Bird Died. Angry mom, sad kids. RA took no responsibility for this. We didn't talk to him for a month almost.

Pet #4- Baby Duck- We found this duck just wandering in our front yard. Took ducky boy outside to run in the grass with kids and a fucking hawk swooped down and carried him away right before our eyes. Terrorized mom and kids. We were all fucked up behind this.

Pet #5- Baby Chipmunk recovered from RA's job site. 50 dollars and 2 days later, died. Who knows why? I suspected it committed suicide.

Pet #6- 4 Fish- Toddler decided to feed the fish herself and 3 died.

Pet #7- Hermit crab- Lived 4 years.. 

So now we think "we got this" and got ourselves a cat.

Pet #8 -KeKe the cat. Got from a lady outside my daycare with a box of kittens.  Turns out Kitty was flea infested, which led to fleas in the house. Also we could not afford to get the cat fixed but the jacked up cat pusher lovely kitty sales lady gave us a coupon for $20 spay/neuter treatment. Awesome! Problem is the coupon could not be honored for some BS reason and there were no funds for discounted treatment. Full price spay/neuter between $200-$300 dollars. Not in the budget at all. So after spending  about $500 dollars to unflea our home and cat and provide her with some necessities like a bed, toys, litter etc. She humped everything and everyone RA said she had to go. I put up a fight and was able to keep her an addition 6 months but I had a baby due soon and he was worried about the cat messing with the baby. I loved KeKe, when she wasn't humping things she was an evil bitch. She hissed and swiped at everything and everybody,(except me) She did not  like to bothered and she was perfect for me. But eventually it was bye-bye kitty. I was really sad about getting rid of KeKe. And very bitter so RA and I agreed no more pets period. We were not good pet owners apparently and if KeKe couldn't stay then no one could.

Because of the cat incident, due to other circumstances RA and I soon separated and he moved out. It was amazing how much cleaner my house was, and how long things like toilet paper, soap, and soda lasted. Life was good. Until Easter when RA came to visit his kids and decided a great Easter gift would be a box of ducks!!! WTF!!! I was LIVID.

Pet #9- Box of ducks- I was outraged, angry, pissed off infuriated. He did not ask me and we had agreed  no pets! And where the hell were these ducks gonna live indoors? He had already showed them to the kids and they of course were in love with all the ducks. I tried sending the ducks away with RA but the kids cried and cried. So the ducks won, but sadly they would lose soon. We had no proper duck facilities as most people do not. So for now in my kitchen of all places we had a fucking duck zoo!

I went out and spent $70 on heating lamps, a pool, feed, and chippings etc. That night my daughter came in my room at 2am (she was 2) to tell me "the duck was hurt"in her two year old way she explained that she had picked the duck up and the duck had pecked her on the nose, and it hurt so she dropped it and it wasn't moving. I got up horrified to what I might find. There in the pool/home lay a dead duckling. The other duck was going crazy, with fear I'm sure. My daughter was screaming "I'm sorry I'm sorry" my 8 year old was awaken by this he came out and realized what had happened and screamed at her "Malley you killed the duck! Murderer!" He was crying, she was crying. I was crying. I called RA and he seemed to think it was no big deal. We had the hugest fight. I mean Fuck dude! I have a dead duck, a sad crazy duck a screaming toddler an angry 8 year old and I am done!

I boxed up the surviving duck and headed to the spot "A tractor store" where RA had purchased them. I thought if I explained to these lovely duck people that I had researched and a duck was an extremely inappropriate gift for a 2 year old and we had killed one in 24 hours that they would take back this last duck and save his life. Nope They didn't want the duck back. When I asked the redneck farmer what to do with the duck he said "well I'd give er a couple months then cook er" GASP. I covered my children's ears and I gave him a piece of my mind. He told me that the other duck would die of being lonely "so either cook er or git er a buddy." The kids began to cry again. So I bought another???I know, I know but I was tired and desperate. Within a few days however I found a lovely farm to adopt all the lovely ducks. My kids hated me and I once again was the bad guy but the ducks were gone and safe both from ovens and 2 year olds.

I told RA if he ever brought home another living thing I would kill him.

Which brings me back to Friday night. He is on the way home with a puppy.

Stay tuned

MY NEW BFF

So I got myself a new neighbor. It has been my experience that neighbors are best kept at a wave and a smiles length. Let me explain...every time I befriend a neighbor they make it their mission to come by every day and spend as much time as possible with me. This will come as a surprise to most of you but I am not that friendly in real life. I have a small circle of friends and they all know that I am busy and interactions with me must be planned out in advance. Not a big fan of the "surprise drop in." 

When I met my new neighbor, a retired older lady I saw the gleam in her eye. She couldn't wait to be my new BFF. So I have been polite but tried to keep things short and sweet. After all our houses are connected and dodging her would take a lot of energy and planning. But she is persistent and catches me getting out of the car, checking my mail, bringing in my trash cans etc. I always rush off with a smile and wave and say I have dinner burning on the stove, or the baby is in the tub. 


Well Friday my kids were playing football out in the yard when one of them came in and said the neighbor wants to see you. SHIT! I panicked. "Uuh, tell her I'm busy but will be out in a few." I thought that she would give up and go away. Fast forward 5 minutes. I looked out the window, still there. SHIT. Ten minutes later still there. So I gave up went out and decided to make it quick. I stepped outside and wondered what she had to say that kept her waiting at my door for 15 minutes.

Me= Red
Neighbor= Blue
My alter Ego= Green


"Hi" I said cheerfully
"Hi I haven't seen you much lately"
"Thats the point,  uh sorry we've been so busy, remember I told you I am super busy all the time"
"Well I just wanted to say thanks for the fan you loaned me it is cooling the apartment nicely"
"Glad I could help"
"Can you come over for a minute?"
"NOoooooooo- Okay sure."


Well, a minute turned into two hours, I swear. 


Every time I tried to make a run for it  head out she had another question or something else to show me.
I get that she's retired and lonely, but problem is I am neither retired nor lonely and I just cannot spare leisurely convos in two hour blocks.


My kids kept coming over "we are starving"  they would say
I would say "oh let me get going, the kids are hungry"
"I understand" she would say "but let me show you what my dog can do"
"thats great! Okay well its getting late and I better get going"
"Oh okay, I understand, but let tell you about the past 50 years of my life"
"Sounds grand but I'm hungry now too, so I guess I'll see you later"
"Well I have a great recipe I can share with you"
Mommy we are hungry! I'm so glad my kids don't have manners and will  interrupt me at any time :)
"Well I really should get a move on this has been great wasting two hours chatting with you"
"I could come over if you want that way we could still talk and you could feed your kids"
"Aww what a lovely offer but I have to do fast food now that it's so late, its after 8pm", HINT HINT!!
"Hold on don't go I have coupons some where let me just look through my stuff"
And on and on this went until the sun went down and the owls came out.
I finally managed to get away thanks to the constant whining of my kids. 

I made it home safely and as I drew in a sigh of relief there was a knock at the door
I opened it and there was......     you guessed it! 
My neighbor!
"Hi!" She said excitedly. "I was just thinking that maybe we could clip coupons together and I could show you how to get shampoo for 29 cents!"

"Sounds riveting I'll get back to you on that!"
"How bout tomorrow bright and early?"
'Lady tomorrow is Saturday and I do not do anything  bright and early"
"That prob won't work since Im so busy remember?"
"Well how bout the afternoon?" 
"Naw, won't work we have plans" (we didn't but we will now)
"Well I'Il just keep at it until you have some time"
"I'm sure you will"
"okay thanks really gotta go feed these kids"
"oh yes I'm sorry" 


Then there was this huge awkward hug??? I am not a hugger so this was awkward." I love you Raquel, Have  a good night"
"Uhhhhh  Love you too??"

Just so you people don't think I am heartless, I understand that this is just a sweet older lady that is lonely and I have been polite and will continue to be but I just cannot adopt another friend right now.

A Little Surprise at The Meeting

So my son, the oldest received interim grades last week. I was not expecting great things but what I was not expecting was....well let's just say what he got and keep it at that. I was quite puzzled since I had seen my son study and do school/homework now more than ever. After discussing it with him he too seemed confused. So I immediately flew into action and set up a meeting at the school with his teachers so that we could get to the bottom of this. I mean what are they doing up there at that damn schoolhouse?

I generally require my son to attend any meetings at school that involve him. But since this was his first high school meeting and he was feeling uncomfortable I told him he could decide if he wanted to attend. So off to school he went that morning and I said I'd text him midday to get his decision.

About midday I texted him to get his decision. He said he would rather sit this one out. And I said fine. He texted back to say "the 4th period bell was about to ring and he needed to put his phone away"- You will see why this is so important later.

You need a bit of history here- Our middle school is gang infested. The school looks like shit. The majority of the staff could give a fuck. They come to work, disheveled, dingy, exhausted and quite frankly the lack of enthusiasm pours out of their souls and lands at your feet when you interact with them so I assumed I'd encounter the same at high school.I arrived 15 minutes early with all my printed documents in hand ready to battle for my sons education.


Let me first say that the staff here was well dressed, presented well, spoke well, they had their shit together. Every one of my sons teachers was there with documentation in hand in in no hurry to leave. So we sat at  a huge conference table and got started. Ten minutes into the meeting one of the teachers handed me some work to give to Michael. When I asked why she didn't give it to him herself she informed me because he did not attend her class today. My jaw hit the floor! "Are you serious?" I said. "He did not attend your class at all today?" "No" she said, "were you not aware?" Uh no.Then the next teacher said "he did not attend my class either" then the next teacher said "mine either" and it went that way around the whole table until ending with a guy who said "he only attends my class twice a week." WTF!!!!!!

Where the hell is he? Where was he?? How the hell did this get by me? Thoughts were swirling around my head and I was just truly in shock. That little bastard had even texted me to say the "bell was ringing" Damn! Damn! Damn!

Why today idiot? The day I'm coming to school. Idiot! Anyway. Plans were made to pull his grades up. Short version, he'll eat bologna sandwiches in the class with the teachers and do work instead of socializing in the cafeteria . He will arrive early once a week for additional tutoring, and should he skip ever again I will carpool him to and from school and the school will have him escorted to each class. There are other preventive measures butt that's the jest of it.

I left the school feeling a mixture of things; supported, as his teachers and I worked together to keep him straight, sad- that my son is going down the path that I too went down, embarrassed, that I did not know, but most of all Pissed that this fool skipped school, lied and played me. As I pulled into my driveway my anger was boiling and I was ready for combat because remember what happened last time

.But lucky for him my new neighbor stopped me to small talk and after 30 minutes of small talk I had cooled off enough to have saved his life.

I will keep everyone posted.

Ten Things I Learned About Middle School Football

Yesterday was my sons first football game ever! I thought I would share with you all some very valuable things I learned yesterday. It was an away game and it was held 45 minutes away at a local park. When we arrived at this park the players were dressing in the parking lot b/c there were no locker rooms. ?!? We walked down this looong concrete trail that led to the field. The cost to get in for me and my son was $10.

Lesson #1- It costs a ridiculous amount for me to sit miserably in the hot sun on some dirty bleachers, and when I bring all my kids it will be $20 entry cost!

Let me say here that if you are the parent of a sports playing child your ass should get in free. Especially when you have driven 45 minutes to get there and the accommodations suck. But anyway our schools section was about another mile around the track/field. The home team was conveniently located right inside the gate. About 5 steps in. It was 95 degrees so after the mile walk to the field and now the half mile walk to our teams section I was drenched in sweat.
Lesson #2 The images of freezing moms wearing parkas and toboggans wrapped in blankets drinking hot cocoa are not to be confused with North Carolinas Football season.


 I asked where the restrooms were located and was directed to one lone port a john on the other side of the field another 1/2 mile this too was conveniently located near the home team. As was the snack bar or rather water bottle and skittles table. 
Lesson #3 Apparently the golden rule to give your guests your best does not apply at these events.

When I made it to our teams section I noticed our one set of bleachers was out in the middle of the hot ass sun, there was no shade on our side at all. The home team had a lovely fenced In shaded two bleacher section conveniently close to both the  bathroom

 and the snack bar. 

Lesson #4 The snacks and restroom accommodations at these games SUCK!


No scoreboard , no cheerleaders, no announcing any ones name?? Upon arriving on the field I heard the opposing teams players say "where is Fuquay (our team) they need to hurry up so we can beat their asses". It was difficult for me not to say "oh they are changing in your lovely parking lot and will be here as soon as they walk the frickin mile to get here, providing that they don't have to all line up to go potty one at a damn time" But I didn't. Let me explain that our opposing team is a wealthy snobby town called "Cary" and they treated us like the poor trash we were. All of these undesirable conditions made me wonder where our tax dollars were going, or our fundraisers. Can we not afford a tree, or a bench for our players, or a megaphone so we can hear? 
Lesson #5- Maybe I should get more involved at my schools and make some changes.


And this is the well to do school. Hmmm. By the way I know our school field sucks too but it equally sucks for home and visitors and we have locker rooms and toilets. So there!

Let me say that I know NOTHING about football. Okay, I know that you gotta get the ball from one side to the other without being tackled more than four times and when you get it there thats called a touchdown. I know if you catch the other teams ball that is an interception and very good apparently but other than that, no clue. 
Lesson #6- I need to obtain a copy of Football for Dummies by next Wednesday.


So I just clapped when my bleacher partners clapped and grumbled when they grumbled. Whenever we had the ball I screamed, and when the other team had it I yelled "take em down!" That seemed to fit in.
Lesson #7- If you have no clue act like you do and no one will know. 


My hands were dry and sore from clapping, throat was hoarse from screaming, ass was sore from sitting, and clothes were drenched from sweating. I'm getting old. But despite all that I had a blast. Just imagine all the fun I could have had if I knew what the hell was going on. Therefore my goal this week will be to learn about football. 
Lesson #8- I am getting old


Anyhoo, we whipped their ass. Ha Ha. We whipped their ass with no shade, no restroom, no hospitality. Ha Ha! The game ended at 545p and the sad little snobs sat there in the grass getting a good chewing out by the coach. Ha Ha. 
Lesson #9 Victory is Sweet Justice!


Bonus Lesson #10- If you win you are golden but if you lose the whole world hates you, including your parents. Sad

I Got Your Back Mr. Jones

By now I'm sure most of you heard about the case in Florida where a father of a special needs child who had been bullied boards the school bus  and threatens the bullies. If you have not then take a quick view of the tape here.  It's 1 minute long. Totally worth it.

Although in this tape it states that the father had not previously alerted the school, many other news reports say that he had contacted the school more than once and nothing was done. The specifics here is; his daughter is 13 with cerebral palsy (which just makes it worse). The bullies threw open condoms on her, hit her, twisted her ear, and shouted rude comments to her. I'm not even her mom and I'm ready to whop some ass too. The majority of the community feels that while they understand his frustration they do not condone his actions. He actually was arrested because of this. Again outrageous. Here this dad gets arrested for defending his daughter and the bullies seem to get off scott free again. 

Parents are so concerned that their little precious may have been scared or threatened  by the angry dad and are offended at his language but yet somehow the bullies inappropriate language and actions are not that offensive. No one was complaining about that; kids or parents.

The dad has since apologized and said that his actions were not appropriate but damn can you blame him? Imagine your kid, special needs or not, getting off the bus daily in tears because she is being treated this way. This mans daughter is now on suicide watch. Suicide watch due to the bullying. So in my opinion it was down to these bad ass kids or his daughter. Yes, sure he could have done this and done that and maybe shouldn't have screamed at all the kids but come on. He is clearly enraged and I for one do not blame him. In fact he is my hero! There are alarming statistics about bullying and on this tape dad apologizes and the previous days bullying is shown.

I would and have done the same. I have even threatened to "bust a cap" in a gang members ass that was messing with my kids. All this of course after going to the school several times for help and contacting the police. The school was zero help. They were more concerned with protecting the rights of the bully then the bullied. The principal refused to give me the parenst contact information or to call them himself. He would not bring the child in for a meeting. They wouldn't let me talk to the "child", which by the way was a 6ft2in 7 grader with a juvenile record and gang affiliations. In my case the bully not only bullied my kid but stole his bike. So after trying all the "right" ways to deal with it I waited outside of the middle school for him and confronted him myself. I got my bike back and there were no problems since. I was lucky. 

Anyway I just wanted to share my BRAVO for that dad and see how everyone else feels about this. And just so you know I have walked down a middle school hall many times both as a student and a parent. the language that  comes from this age group is far worse than what this dad used.

Hi...My name is Raquel and I am an Addict

I have an addiction. A really bad, bad, bad addiction. And I need help.

See I do not consider my self the addictive type. I smoke; but only at night, drink; but only at social events, curse, but only at my kids (just kidding now, call off child protective services) 

Anyways, I'm not a big health nut.If you have read my last post, you will know that I am trying to make small changes in my eating habits. One of them is fat. Counting Fat grams. Not excessively but just becoming a bit more aware in the hopes that I can shed this Rhino-like shape  I've adapted. 

To the point..a coworker and I occasionally bring in things for one another...coffee, muffins biscuits, treats, etc. Well one day she brought me something that changed my life for the better at the time and now for the worse. It was something I'd never had before and it was so damn good you can soon find yourself selling off your goods to have it. Yes, dammit, it is that good . And  I know it' s not just me because when I am in line at the drive thru I see every car ahead of me get one too. Here it is....

OMG! This is the best shit ever...ever! I went a lil outta control at first and was getting one of these bad boys everyday. Not good for the budget or the waistline. Then I cut back to 3 a week. When I started my "diet" I said no more period! Okay then maybe 1 per week. But I simply cannot live without them. The fat grams in one is 24fat grams, and trust me that is waaay up there. So I've really tried to stay away but I dream about them, I see them in the road when driving at night, When my kids call "mama!" I hear "mocha!". I cannot control it. I have even skipped meals to make room for the drink. I need help fast. Someone hurry before this drink does me in. I'm actually drinking one while writing this post. Damn it I hate Mcdonalds!
Heres some pics to drive home my point.

Before Mocha

Before Mocha

                                                                                                                  

                                                                                                                                                   Me After Mocha

So have you had this? Am I alone here. If you haven't had this then please share your addiction with me?

       

He's Tryna Sabotage Me

I didn't plan on sharing this but now it has become necessary. I am trying to eat better. Not a diet per se, but eat better. I have the worse eating habits. I basically live on cereal,  mac n cheese, sweet tea, coffee, and bagels with tons of cream cheese. I cook 6 out of 7 days and even then I will eat cereal after feeding the kids?  I have noticed that most of my clothes are getting a bit snug and I'll be damned if I will go up another size so I'm doing what I can.


Okay- now heres theTMI part. I am taking a colon cleanse too. Never done this but after hearing one million other people talk about all the stuff that gets stuck in your colon. I thought why the hell not? I'm not doing a super fast, stay by the toilet kinda cleanse. But yet a more slower, calmer  cleansing. 14 days to  be exact. Here's what I'm trying.                                              

So now that you ave all the facts lets bring it full circle. I am doing quite decent for me. Instead of snacking on candy bars and soda, I'm eating fruit. Instead of cheeseburgers, I'm having salad and lean sandwiches. etc, And suspended are the days that I scarf down half a box of cookie crisp before bed. Notice I said suspended not gone. Just keeping it real. I would say my worse habit is bedtime. I LOVE to throw down at midnight. Yes I know its bad for you blah, blah, blah,. But seriously there is nothing like enjoying some yummy stuff while the house is quiet the kids are all in bed (no sharing) and I'm watching my favorite shows. So I'm making small changes everywhere else but am trying to kill the whole bedtime bingeing that I do.


I have done a pretty good job for a week and yesteday just to keep myself from temptation, I allowed the kids to have cereal for dinner. Yes, I said it.. cereal for dinner. Happens around there about once every two months when I am in a "fuck it" mood. I was not in "fuck it" mood yesterday but if I had cooked the steak fajitas that I had taken out earlier that day for dinner I would have eaten 4 of them and regretted it so cereal it was. They had cereal I had a banana. And to make certain I wouldn't get hungry before bed I decided to go to bed early before the hunger set in. 


When RA arrived home he asked what was for dinner and I told him to choose a banana or cereal. He didn't like that too much but too bad too sad. I told him we had left over cabbage and sausage in the fridge he could eat. Then I crashed out. I was snoozing away. At 1045p RA woke me up with a huge plate of Filet Mignon and 4 eggs loaded with cheese. Damn, Damn, Damn. "I am on a diet!" I snapped. 
"Oops I forgot" he said "I can throw it out"
"No the hell you cannot throw that out, I'll just eat half".
Well half turned into all as usual. 
I swear it was the best food ever. The filet was so spicy and tender and juicy and uugghh anyways. I polished it off and feeling like a loser I explained to him that he would need to be a bit more supportive. Guess you don't want these then...he pulled 5 Worlds Finest chocolate bars from his pocket! If you do not know about WF chocolate it is the old school candy bars that schools used to sell back in the day and they are AWESOME and I hadn't had one in about 8 years. 



Damn him. I ate one square and that was all. I am gonna try  to unload the others on the kids this weekend before I make make any more mistakes.

AIRBRUSHED KIDS

So it's picture day! Yippee! Anyone old enough to remember when you would wear your Sunday Best to school, stand in a long line, have your hair re-combed by an assistant to the photographer and then snap! that was it. Then you waited a month for the photo packet to arrive at school, hoping that you smiled nicely and that your hair was perfect, then you take them home and mom or dad decide what/if they are gonna buy and send in their check?

In hindsight wasn't and isn't the best part when you look back at your middle/high school photos and you had acne, or a crooked tooth, a weird smile, frizzy hair etc? Then you could be grateful for the beautiful swan you turned into. It was also equally great to stumble upon a friends old school photos and laugh your ass off.

Well times are a changing. Now you get a pre-photo-shoot packet with all the ways you can control what your pumpkins photo will look like. Some of it is definitely good stuff; choosing the background, color, style but the one that bothers me is "retouching". Oh hell yeah, basically airbrushing. You decide prior to the photo shoot that your child isn't cute enough so you pre order that his/her photos be retouched.

Now, heres a few issues I have with this.

First off, that retouched perfected version isn't even your child. It is a magazine cover version of your child. What does that say to your child about their appearance, that it needs retouching?

School photos are ridiculously priced as it is but if you want a pretty pic you must pay extra $6 for basic retouching, $12 for Premium retouching. Premium retouching WTF? How do you determine what level your child needs? If they are somewhat fucked up go with basic but if they are really fucked up then roll with the premium.

A quote from the website

"Our digital retouching removes acne, pimples — all blemishes. But please be aware that we cannot remove moles,braces, scars, glass glare or “fly-away” hair."

Do parents really request that the finished product not include fly-away hair or the mole that is by the upper cheek? Or even that their braces disappear? Isn't that what is so great about being a teenager, you haven't quite gotten into your look. You are a work in progress damn it! I wish the world would stop rushing our kids to grow up. Let them have acne and braces, and moles! Get over it "perfect parents" that mole is your child!

Okay what if after paying damn near $50 for some basic ass photo pack an additional $12 is not in the budget? Is that fair that my kids photo won't be as perfect and will even be dull in color compared to the retouched kids? Here is a quote from the photography website to confirm this

"Let the real you shine through — just add retouching to your order for a flawless look on your portraits AND your yearbook photo, too!"

Great so if I go with a normal real photo of my child he will look dull and fucked up compared to all the other retouched kids in the yearbook? Let the REAL YOU shine through!? Are you kidding me? The REAL YOU? Isn't the REAL YOU the one with acne and a crooked eye maybe?

Here is a sample from the website of the REAL YOU.

Yes I will agree that the premium chick is way more pretty than the before chick. But come on, that before chick is really extreme and that's what foundation is for.

Here is a more realistic version of what retouching will do.

Again, as expected the after shot is better, But I think the before shot is more important because that is what the damn boy actually looks like! Maybe I am just not sensitive to this because currently I have been blessed with beautiful clear skinned teenagers. Maybe when the acne sets in I may feel differently.

Another quote from the website:

"Retouching is typically offered through our partner secondary schools, where kids are older and the demand for acne-removal is higher."

Where does it end? Will we soon be shaving off a few pounds from our kids photos, adding to their bussom? Giving them the blue eyes they always wanted? How bout straightening out that crooked nose? How much you wanna bet a few years from now they will be touching up the preschool photos? So tell me will you be retouching your school photos this year?